It has been fifteen years since my mother passed away and I have learnt one thing from all of this – time does not heal, it simply teaches you how to handle your emotions. I will bluntly say that every single person that has stated otherwise never truly felt pain, or is incredibly good at masking their emotions. Unfortunately for me, this is something that I am constantly working on and one day hope to overcome, but for now am happy with the inches of progress that over a decade have allowed me
Everyone has their own opinions and methods on how to overcome grief, and yet there is no sure set way to actually do this. The memory of my mother is not something that I am willing to let go of or push aside to fill with happier thoughts and new memories. There will always be room for new experiences, but it is this woman who shaped me into the person that I am today. To me she was Wonder Woman in every sense, the very best friend I could ever ask for, a loving mother and great woman that I to this day, still aspire to be and yet struggle to find the means to do so. She may have carried herself as a simple, hardworking woman, but to me she was more than a guardian angel, she was my best friend. As a single mother of two left alone to deal with what I now understand to be one of the hardest jobs – raising children- she definitely breezed through it in ways that I cannot understand. When I think about my mother I want to remember every single detail of her so that her memory never dies. She was such a perfectly imperfect soul that dedicated her life to making sure that my sister and I got the best she could offer while sustaining her mother and being the best second mom to my cousins. Everything she had was earned through hard work and dedication. In short, I have embraced that the mammoth sized hole that she left in my life will never be filled but that is ok. I am here to share my journey with this loss, not provide steps on how to overcome it.
I’ve mentioned in “Learning to Love Again” how the rollercoaster called life presented itself to me in the years following my mother’s passing, but it is almost impossible to tap into the progress without mentioning a few things. I say that life “presented itself to me” because looking back it almost feels surreal, like I am watching a movie playing before my eyes. The girl who went through years of depression, begging for love and affection was not who I am today, nor is it someone I truly identify with. There are scars, both physical and emotional, that remind me of how real my experience was and I pray that my little girl never has to feel the way that I once did, but if she does, it is important for her to know that her mom also had ups and downs. Yes, I felt that way. I felt – that is something I remind myself each time the memories of my journey bring shame. Today I accept my journey as something that moulded me into the strong woman I am today.
Little Spawn, one day when I am no longer here, just know that I know how you feel. I have documented every detail of her life and my emotions in the hopes that it will one day reveal to you the depth of the woman who rocked you to sleep.
Be sure to check out the other parts of the ‘Accepting Grief’ series: