I Don’t Forgive You Yet

Forgiveness.

Let’s let that word sit and marinate for a minute while while I bring down the barrier that kept my heart safe all of these years. Ok are you ready?

There is no secret that my husband is my best friend, not only because we get along so well, but because he is not afraid to have difficult conversations with me. This man who agreed to spend the rest of his life with me, has done so on the condition that we will always be honest with each other and speak up when things are not right. Well, things are not right.

There is someone in my life (who I prefer to leave unnamed) that dug a hole in my heart and left a rotting scar. This person is no longer a part of my life but every now and then I get a surge of emotions when thinking back to how life was – despite how great it is now. For a long time, I carried the hurt within me and used it to justify every rebellious behaviour I adopted, every scar that I created and every inch of hate that welled up inside me. After all, hurt people hurt other people right? Just writing this now is bringing up a lot of emotions which I would rather bury and deal with at a later stage when they choose to resurface, but this has been going on for way too long. It’s about time to confront the problem head on so I can define how the next chapters of my life will be.

My husband and I were discussing this particular person in what I believed to be a light-hearted conversation, only to have the following questions thrown at me. Can you say with complete honesty that you have truly forgiven <insert name>? What did you learn from that experience? Do you think you are a better person because of it? Can you honestly thank them today for the lessons you have learnt in life? These questions hit quite hard as I knew the answer to everything was no. No, I have not forgiven. No, I did not need to go through everything they put me through in order to be a better person. No, I will never thank them for such an experience.

I won’t be digging deeper into the events or the emotions in this or any future posts, perhaps until I am at a place where I can speak objectively. What I can say with certainty is that this hurt was different, unexpected. As a twenty something old woman, I have experienced break ups before and with every “it’s over”, life felt as though it was ending. What intrigues me is that each time hurt just a little more, almost as though my desperation to be accepted just kept getting worse. Thinking back, it definitely wasn’t a healthy progression, but all of those heartbreaks added together were nothing compared to this hole left by this family member.

Moving away from my personal grudges, I want to share a few things I know to be true, yet struggle to apply in this particular instance;

Forgiveness is for you, not the other person

‘EQ’ is generally the best vector to improving interpersonal relationships. Part of becoming an emotionally intelligent person is recognising that you cannot change anyone, only yourself. While this may not be the easiest or most practical thing to do, understanding the effects that holding grudges has on your body should be a reason in itself to work on letting go. Studies have shown that less forgiving people tend to have depression, anxiety, stress, anger and hostility. According to Dr. Karen Swartz M.D, director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital, your body’s natural response to anger and disappointment is to shift gears into a flight or fight mode which raises your blood pressure, levels of anxiety and immune response. Guess what – I suffer from anxiety and depression.

Life will go on even if you are unwilling to participate

I had written quite a lengthy piece over here, but deciced to delete it with one click… Guess what – I’ve spent several years of my life dealing with these demons. I don’t recall time stopping to wait for me.

A negative mind will never give you a positive life

This may sound a little harsh but after spending so much time piecing the fragments of my broken soul, I feel qualified to say this. I have come to realise that dwelling in self pity does not reap the desired outcome, nor does it hurt the person that inflicted the pain. I mentioned early that hurt people hurt people and while this is not always the intention, doing so is the slippery slope to a downward spiral. Instead, challenge the negativity and identify which of these thoughts are cognitive distortions. Each experience is different, but separating the past from our emotions can be a prudent step to ‘stopping the cycle’. Guess what – it took Goodle to help me formulate that last sentence because all I feel is anger.

I bet you feel somewhat confused. Well here’s the thing; I’m selling you something that I am still trying to internalise. This blog that you have been enjoying has been much more than just a chance to share my writing, it has served as an outlet. Most of what I have written gets deleted soon after, or just sits in my drafts until I am ready to face it. Well, this one happened to make it out because I hope that we can all learn something from it.

While I am just not ready to even try and understand <insert name>’s rationale for their actions, I am willing to work on myself. How they behaved is no longer any of my business. As much as I was the sole beneficiary of <insert name>’s unkind actions, it is not fair on myself or those who truly love me, to keep my mind trapped in that bubble. My husband has been drilling this into my head for a while now and I may just be ready to listen. We’re breaking free! *Cue High School Musical soundtrack*

*****

16 Comments Add yours

  1. VeraYanney says:

    I really enjoyed reading this . And I know it can be tough. I might not have experienced a break up but I know what it feels like to be hurt by someone you cared about and possibly saw yourself to grow with in the future. However, I like to think every disappointment leads to a blessing . That incident wouldn’t have led you to your husband and who knows if you’d be happily married with (whom you are trying to leave in the shadow.) Though it’s tough, but with time you will heal provided you look into Therapy. Thanks for sharing !!!

    Like

  2. Sorry to hear about your pain, and you have every right to forgive in your own time. Hugs to you, my friend and your husband for being supportive.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shelly DS says:

      Thank a bunch 💖 I hate to share such but sometimes it’s only fair to show that life isn’t perfect… no one is!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Olivia says:

    I feel you girl. Letting go is hard, forgiving is hard. Even after years pass. A small memory can bring up so much pain and hurt you thought you had buried deep.
    Keep acknowledging it, keep embracing it. You will get through it.
    💛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shelly DS says:

      Thanks hun, I like that: acknowledge, embrace and work through it. What I’ve been doing is trying to erase it without dealing!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Letting go and forgiving is just so hard! Especially when you’ve been hurt by the one person you love the most. You’re strong through and will get through it! Thank you so much for sharing ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shelly DS says:

      💖 thank you for your kind words ~ but don’t be like me 😉

      Like

  5. Lady B says:

    Good read! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your truths! You never know who you’re helping with this message.

    Like

  6. I truly agree that forgiving is really hard sometimes and letting go of your grudges is difficult than that. 😊😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. carlamilho says:

    Lovely post… The most of us, has been hurt once in your life… Unfortunately…
    I would like if you could follow me to… In the mean time, I wish you much success 💯❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shelly DS says:

      Thanks for reading Carla ~ I’m so excited to find another Portuguese speaker here on WP. OF COURSE I will check out your page 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. carlamilho says:

        Oh thank you so much I hope you like it 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Everything you’ve said about forgiveness is true. People who offend you just move on with their lives whether or not they offer an apology. However, it’s up to the affected person to finally let go of that pain and hurt and again, not make the same mistake because it’s like nowadays, people enjoy having abusive friendships and relationships. So yes, I’d say forgive but break free. That’s not malice.
    Great work Shelly!

    Like

  9. So sorry that you are still hurting from the pain of someone else. It os true that we are not responsible for others behaviour or actions, and unfortunately until they realise it we must learn to accept an apology we may never receive, or to let it go because we may never get the explanation or outcome we deserve, but when you do forgive or if you want to, you will feel much lighter, even if that person doesn’t deservecyour forgiveness. Amaxing that you have such a supportive husband, i strive for that one day💕someone who can support me through everything and still love me. I hope you find the strength to move forward.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shelly DS says:

      Thanks for this encouragement, I truly appreciate it 💖 I agree, forgiveness does take a load off your shoulders. I keep trying to remind myself of that every time I feel that anger bubbling inside me.
      You will definitely find a supportive hubby too, have faith! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I could understand the pain very well while reading 👍

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s