This morning, I woke up with a whirl of thoughts playing on my mind. And of course, being the obsessed writer that I am, I decided to put pen to paper… figuratively. We are currently in times when we need to be caring and considerate of others, more so than before. But what happens when you people take advantage? Is there such a concept as being ‘too nice’, or should every human aspire to be nicer than the next? As my sleep was sub-optimal last night, these are some of the things that plagued my mind. So I thought I would share my thoughts with you.
Is it possible to be too nice?
With events like Black Lives Matter and Trump’s impeachment being the most recent reminders that humans are seriously flawed, I could not help but wonder if it is possible to go too far in the opposite direction. When it comes to love, I personally don’t think that there is such a thing as loving too much or caring too much. I apply the same logic to niceness, but there is such a thing as being too nice to certain people. Before you disagree, I’ll give a few examples of scenarios where being too nice is actually a thing.
As an employee and team player, you always let your colleagues pick their preferred leave days even if it means that you need to cancel your own plans. Or you are staying in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful and unfaithful towards you because you know they are broken inside. Or maybe you are even avoiding the conversation with your boss about a raise because you feel like it will be confrontational.
And now I ask again, do you think it is possible to be too nice?

Signs you are too nice:
You are being taken advantage of
Adding a touch of my personal experiences, I will refer to a time when my siblings and I all lived under my dad’s roof. One of my brothers had a way with words. And unlike me, he used his talents in more than just poetry and stories. My brother was such a sweet talker that he would make my sisters and I do his laundry, make him food, clean up after him. We were even hoaxed into giving away our personal belongings so as to help him reach his goals! It sounds quite strange now that I think about it, but back then, we were just happy to be nice.
Although my personal experience is very specific, this is a clear example of what being taken advantage of looks like. It can also present itself as finding that you are constantly serving others and never fulfilling your own wishes. In isolated events, that is not a bad thing, but when prolonged, that is very questionable.
You feel bad when you say no
I’ve addressed the act of saying no in a previous blog post – if you missed it, do take a moment to read. If you have, I’m hoping that you now agree that saying no is not a bad thing. If, however, you feel guilty each time you take a stance and say no, chances are, you’re too nice. Personally, I like to look at life through two lenses; what is best for me and what is best for those around me. The reason why these two are very important is that sometimes, saying no can actually be your saving grace. It will keep you out of trouble or ensure that you are not sacrificing more important things.
On the flip side, sometimes saying no to things like parties, or lending money to your sibling who doesn’t want to get a stable job will help them more than caving in. Take this with a pinch of salt, because if you are saying no to things just because, you may be on the opposite end of the spectrum. You could do with a dash of kindness.
You are overworked and underpaid
When it comes to succeeding in the corporate world or even in university, you need to work hard to get results. But where does hard work end and being taken advantage of kick in? Well, there is the obvious and the not-so-obvious answer. If you are taking on extra responsibilities because you see it as a potential for growth, good on you. If your colleague is going through a rough patch and you decide to lend a helping hand, you’re a saint. However, if you find yourself working longer hours and doing more work than you can cope with while getting zero recognition for it… Hmmm… I hate to break it to you but you may just be too nice for your own good!
You constantly need to recharge
I say this with hesitation because all of my introverts and mommy readers will probably fall into this category. In fact, I’m dealing with this right now! But the thing is, if you are constantly pouring out of your cup and find that you constantly need to take time off to refill, you may be too nice. As I’ve mentioned before, sometimes doing things for others can come at a price for both you and the recipient. It is your duty to make that conclusion without forgetting that at the end of the day, you also need to care for yourself.
You are giving off the wrong message
So before I clarify just what this means, let me tell you a story. When I was courting my husband – and yes, I was doing the chasing – he sent the wrong message. Since we lived in different countries, I would fly over to visit him as frequently as possible. Although everyone just assumed I had business in his country (which I technically did) I was there to feast my eyes on the yummy chocolate man. And in reciprocation, he would pick me up from the airport, visit me daily, buy me dinner, etc. Turns out, he was not interested at all and was just being nice to me!
Of course, the fact that we are now married shows that we finally saw eye to eye. But I was 100% certain that he was already planning a proposal on what I thought to be our first date. Don’t worry, all the nosy folk will hear about that date soon enough, but for now, let’s stay focused. When you are too nice, you will find that people react to your ‘acts of kindness’ in a strange way. Or rather, you can tell that they have gotten the wrong message entirely.
You find yourself surrounded by ‘broken’ people
When it comes to choosing your friends, I would like to believe that you do so based on similar interests and mutual respect. When people are too nice, they tend to attract one specific group of people that others typically don’t; the broken. Now I know very well that we each have our flaws. But when all of your ‘people’ need some type of fixing, chances are you are too nice. This is another great example of a situation in which niceness does nothing to help anyone involved in the equation. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to be nice. But when you only attract broken people, it is a clear sign that you need to change your approach. Have you heard of tough love before?
That last point – omg! I was just thinking a few days back about how all my friends are a little broken and I so resonate with your post. I find it so hard to say no to someone and I feel so guilty after. I’m just a people pleaser I think. 🙈 I’m definitely not “too nice” but these are just points that I need to work on. Setting up boundaries and saying no to people that drain me.
I wouldn’t say that I’m too nice. I’m quite an honest and straightforward person. I have previously shown characteristics you wrote in your post but I learnt from it. Too many people use nice people to walk all over them. Learning the hard way and learning to feel comfortable to say no and not just do things because others want you to are just some things I’m learning as I get older. I also step in alot when I see this happening to people I know. I don’t allow the people I love to have their niceness abused either!
That’s great! Sometimes we just gotta advocate for ourself and move on with life. Doing so doesn’t mean that you are less nice/kind. Good on you!
The last point hit hard🙈
I think I am nice but sometimes, it’s hard to draw the line despite knowing people are taking advantage of you. I struggled with this please a lot because I left if someone is being nice to be, I have to be extra, extra nice to them, do all the things they like even if I am not comfortable doing it.
It’s a odd line between being grateful and sucking at expressing your view in case you hurt their feelings.
Oh Shelly, your post makes me think🤔—I love it.
Your writing🤗👏🏾 xx
Oh no! Let’s practice saying no a few times then you can go back into the world 😉 Just remember that you should never do anything that you are uncomfortable with because you are your own responsibility. Being nice is wonderful, but you should never sacrifice yourself in that way.
Thanks for reading and for your kind words 💖
Would you say we can be too nice when we do not set healthy boundaries?
Yes! That’s definitely one of the things, but I also think failing to enforce our boundaries can be a very big culprit.
I have been told I am too nice and I definitely feel guilty when I say no. Although that has gotten easier with age and practice.
It’s great you’ve learned to tone it down, but please don’t go too far in the opposite direction 💖
Yes. Lots of confusion about the difference between being kind and being nice, being loving in truthfulness and loving as cover for being untruthful. I do tend to try to take my cue from Jesus who was never nice, but always kind, and never loved without hard truths behind those acts of love. For women this is a tough one, as we are trained to be “nice” and as we all know that sends mixed messages and then gets strong women in trouble when they aren’t “nice”. On the flip side it is often men who are excused for “not being nice”. Again, some great ideas by Jesus on gender “inequality-niceness”. 🙂 Joy in the journey to you today.
Wow I couldn’t have said or explained it better myself! It’s time we broke the gender biases since we no longer live in Stone Age times 😅
You 👏🏾are 👏🏾 on 👏🏾a 👏🏾 roll 👏🏾periodt. 👏🏾
Thanks hun 😅
The last night musings seems to be going around. 💭
I can definitely relate to this post Shelly. Saying no without feeling guilty is still a work in progress at the moment.
I would love to read about you and your husband’s date. I guess that puts in the nosy category. 🧐😅
My problem is that I don’t like confrontations. 😀
That’s my problem too 😅 but we have to advocate for ourselves
Great Post as always Shelly!
Giving of our hearts is so important right now as long as we are keeping our hearts and needs in mind first and foremost. Then we have more to share!💖
Thanks Cindy 💖
❤️💖
Yes to all of these! I have such a hard time saying no and it can be draining at times! Thanks for sharing this for us to relate to ❤️
I love all the examples you picked out. I don’t mind my friends being a little broken – I’m certainly not without flaws. But it’s an issue when they expect you to always try to help fix them, or when they make their problems the centre of your friendship. The thing that you most talk about. I also think you can love someone too much. An example of that is someone doing lots of things for someone else, purely out of love, but as a consequence, not letting the other person have the responsibility or growth they need.
Your post has given me lots to think about. I enjoyed reading 🙂
I used to really struggle to say no and sometimes still do! Although I am getting better at not feeling guilty about it.
Great post Shelly 😍
Lol I was just reading your post! Small world 😂
Good job on learning to enforce your boundaries. That’s really all it is, so remind yourself next time you have to say no 😉
Lol funny that we were reading each other’s post at the same time!
I definitely agree with so much of this! I believe I’m often too nice to the point where I get taken advantage. A lot of times, I say that people take my kindness for weakness. I have struggled to say no in the past, but I’m getting better and better at this and not allowing it to bother me.
This post really resonated with me. I feel like I’m definitely one of those people that let people walk all over them for the sake of being nice. I’m a lot tougher now but a few years ago I would never have been able to say no to anyone. I also had some really toxic friends who I should have cut off years ago but finally did a few months back. Great post!
It’s interesting to see how many bloggers are saying the same thing. Maybe it’s a personality trait that we all possess? It’s great that you’re being firmer and taking a stance on what you want/don’t want. Keep it up! Thanks for reading Pooja 💖
Yeah I guess writers/bloggers tend to be very sensitive so they feel guilty really easily if they say no to people. Thanks!!
I only learnt I was too ‘nice’ when my own family and loved ones once told me “please be selfish sometimes, their is no harm in it!”.
It stabbed me when they said it, I couldn’t understand it…… Now I realise they saw how others where treating me, and they were hurting for me.
If it weren’t for them, I probably would’ve given my arm and leg away to someone who definitely doesn’t deserve it.
Loved your post ♥️
Oh gosh that’s insane! I’m glad they told you and you took it to heart. You are such a lovely person, it’s a shame you’re so far away!!
I think I can be too nice but not all the time.
And yes, I am nosy so I want the full gist about you and your husband 😁
Hahaha one day, my friend. One day 😛
I love this post!! It’s awesome to be nice and it is something that we should all strive for. But when it is causing us to not think of ourselves first, or always putting other people first (like in a co-dependent relationship), then that is not healthy at all. AS with everything else in life, we should always strive for moderation. Never be too nice. Do good deeds because it is the right thing to do, but at a certain point you’ve also got to think of yourself too. You don’t always have to say yes.
That is what I’ve struggled with. It’s hard to say no because of the fear of disappointing people or just letting them down. But you’ve got to take care of yourself first
Thanks for sharing Helen. I used to be like that too… but now with kids and families of our own, we really need to be kind to ourselves!