A thank you note to all the boys I thought I loved

Have you ever thought of writing a thank you note to all the people that broke your heart? If you did, good on you! Your maturity is a goal that we all need to reach. My honest truth is that I never did. Ever. If anything, I may have written mental curses and mailed them off on an invisible train. Well, I hadn’t… until recently.

Of course, this is inspired by the movie, but I just had to put my own spin on it. What I thought was really love back in the day, seems so foolish to me now. Yeah, I’m all grown and everything so I can say that kind of thing, you know? And by grown, I mean that I’ve finally stopped being a pawn in the never-ending game of foolery. 

Here’s my open letter to all the boys I thought I loved.

Number 1, you were a friend and for that I am grateful

Gosh, I’m sorry that you’re on this list because you really were a great guy. I just want to say thank you for everything you have ever taught me. We were kids, so it’s only normal that we did kid things. What wasn’t normal was your lack of ambition. 

I want to thank you for letting distance be the barrier to what I thought was forever. It was fun hanging out when we did, but you started to change me. I cared less about classes and often skipped them. I did keep on studying and got straight A’s in my O’levels despite you.  Despite your complaining about the books. Complaining about the grades. Complaining about reality.

I don’t know where you are or how your life turned out. I’m a little curious but I’d rather not know. You see, you were such a great person, so that’s how I’d like to remember you.

Thank you number 2 for teaching me what love isn’t

I would like to thank you for teaching me about discrimination. Because of you, I hated myself for years. I looked in the mirror and saw worthlessness. I put a hand to my chest and felt a bomb slowly ticking away… No thanks to you, I know now that it isn’t a bomb ready to go off. It’s a heartbeat and it means that I’m alive. It means that I can live each day as the human you failed to see. 

And you know what’s funny? You made me believe that only you would want me. That no one else would see past my flaws. Well… I’m just glad to say that I often forget you were ever a part of my life!

Number 3, you broke me but I came back stronger

I would like to thank you for teaching me about deceit. Having you in my life was harder than living with a migraine. You tore my heart to shreds then made me believe I was the crazy one.

I never thought it was possible to deny something in the face of evidence, but you showed me it can be done. You showed me what a liar and a cheat look like. Two in one, what a package you were! And to think that it took so long to realise that not every ‘special’ should be bought. I bought your lies and your ego and still tried to treat you like a king. The joke was on me. But boo, don’t worry, I learned a valuable lesson from you.

Thank you number 4 for being a gem

Can’t I just skip over you? Thank you for showing me what it means to be needed. I’m glad that you valued me, and I’m sorry that we weren’t compatible. I tried, I really did… but numbers 1 to 3 had already tainted me. You see, finding you was like a breath of fresh air… Until you started taking my air away. 

I wish you didn’t need me as much as you did. It went from being cute to being suffocating. You are a great person for someone else, and that’s another lesson that I learned from you. To let go of things that don’t fit into my life anymore.

Thank you number 5 for drawing the final straw

You, my dear, taught me the most important lesson ever. I have to give special thanks to you because you are the reason that I am happy today. You taught me to acknowledge my demons. To really stop and just see them for what they are. I really thought you were the one because you were building me up not tearing me down… Until you brought back all of the lessons that 1 to 4 taught me. 

You see, you were so special that you had to do it all. You couldn’t just teach me one lesson, could you? Deceit even became a game for you… it’s what we did right? And then discrimination… that was the anthem you sang when you were hiding your own demon. And then you spoke endlessly about self-love. I’m sorry to say it in public like this, but maybe this way you’ll listen. Your demon is fear of commitment. You can’t just have one because you’re afraid to settle down. You’re afraid to be vulnerable… and yet you were. You laughed, you cried, you loved… but you just couldn’t take the plunge…

It took a while to finally put the pieces back together again. It’s still a work in progress to rid my mind of all the negativity that was drilled into my brain. But one thing that you all taught me was what love isn’t and what it can be. Thanks to all of you, I am ready for number forever.

What would you say to the people you thought you loved? Have you grown stronger from a previous heartbreak?