Am I the only one, or are you like me too?

Am I the only one who hated sleepovers as a kid/teen because everyone was either still awake when I wanted to sleep or asleep when I wanted to stay awake. The awkwardness of being in someone else’s house made it very difficult to get a good night’s rest. I would either be worrying about if I would drool, snore or fart in the night when my subconscious wasn’t searching for my comfort  objects. 

Am I the only one who studied for weeks before exams and still did worse than those didn’t try? They spent their time partying and borrowed my notes to cram a day or two before the exam but the results were always so confusing. I’ve always been a good student and gotten good grades, but I had to put in quite a lot of effort to maintain my GPA.

Am I the only one who enjoys pain and feels very strange without it? I’m not talking about physical pain, more like the horrible feeling you get when you watch your favourite character die on a tv show, or go snooping in your boyfriend’s phone and uncover his deepest darkest secrets. Depression was my usual state but it was comfortably familiar… 

Am I the only one who craves change but is too afraid to take a leap? I remember the feeling of excitement when I got accepted into university, got my new job and when I got the offer for my current job… in each of these circumstances, I almost backed out right at the end because of that bout of fear that kept gnawing away at me.

Am I the only one who eats their dessert very slowly because I don’t want it to finish? It’s the same with tv shows. I watch everything as slowly as I can so that I still have things to watch for a few weeks. With dessert, it’s the best part of the meal but you shouldn’t have too much. At least that’s my justification for being so slow. A few nibbles here and there so I can just taste it and feel the textures, savour and repeat.

Am I the only one who likes their tea/coffee to be scalding but will blow on it before I drink it? I’m not sure why, but the feeling of slurping, blowing and cupping the mug on a cold evening just feels amazing. It’s like comfort in a mug and the hotter it is, the longer that feeling lasts.

Am I the only one who loves to be loved but hates attention? It’s a very strange one, but I love it when my people show affection. I love it when strangers look up to me and when my partner showers me with gifts. At the very same time I don’t like to be the centre of attention. I don’t like it when all eyes are on me because I feel like I have to be perfect.

Am I the only one who loves the smell of chocolate but hates its taste? The distinct sweetness that it gives off is enough to remind me of home, of a time when I was younger when my mom and I used to nibble at the raisins and nuts that came buried in the Cadbury bars. I wonder if I’ve turned into a miniature version of her, because what she loved is what I live by.

Am I the only one who fails at every diet? I love food too much to be able to give it up. The relationship we have has evolved from toxic to codependent; neither survives without the other. Above myself, I most probably love food; it is glorious and complex, intricate in its fine details but simple enough to make sense.

I’m curious to know if that is you too… Are you anything like me?