It has been nearly a year since I started working from home – indefinitely. Yes, indefinitely – I have to say it over and over again so that it sinks in. It has been a year of an emotional rollercoaster, a year that had me become a statistic in the global pandemic, and a year of living in the comfort of my home. Now that South Africa has officially moved to level 1 of lockdown, I have to close that chapter. Many people are eagerly picking out their clothes in preparation for returning to the office, but that isn’t me. I am on the other end of the spectrum, struggling to process my feelings. It is just the office… the same place I have been going to work for two years now. And yet I am overwhelmed.
This post is my way of trying to decipher my feelings and process them before Monday. It’s not a lot of time, but it will have to do.
My anxiety is at an all-time high
The easiest emotion to distinguish at this particular moment is anxiety. It’s strange to feel this way because it is not a new job and my team remains the same, and yet I am anxious. I am anxious about how they will look at me and the comments they will make when they see I have gained 8 kg. I am anxious about how the dynamics will be after being away from the daily quarrels. And I am anxious because I will need to pull out the mask again and pretend to enjoy the human interactions. My team is made of great individuals, but I prefer to be at home in the comfort of my family.
I am afraid of missing out
For the first time since I was 4, I spent several months at home. And I love my home. Not just the building, but the people who actually transform this house into a home. My husband and I started our friendship while living in two different countries. Then we decided to give the long-distance thing a go… Shortly after that, we tied the knot, then went on to start a long-distance marriage. In the three years that we have been married, the only time I have been alone with my husband for several hours was during the pandemic. Other times we would either have our daughter with us or be on a short date night.
This is all relevant because I am finally getting to spend time with my person. We have been having lunch together. We take breaks during the day and just talk about life… but all of that will be ending soon. I have also spent a significant amount of time with my toddler, reading, playing and teaching her. Once I go back to the office, all of that will be limited to the weekend. The times I will be using to recharge and get through my errands…
I’m worried about my blog
I have been quite good about not blogging during working hours. And yet I have had more time on hand to blog. Think about it; not having to shower, run a comb through my kinky hair, pick out clothes or commute meant I could catch up on blog-related work. This time was invaluable to me because it was my time. Time that the nasty pandemic gifted me in consolation. It was the time I used to process my feelings and be productive. And yet all of that has been taken away in just a few sentences on a silly email.
“From Monday we will do away with the split between the teams…” …”Essential staff must report to the office…”
Essential staff… It is strange to think that I have spent my whole life longing to be wanted, and yet being classified as ‘essential’ has me distraught. Those dreaded words have been haunting me for days now.
Related: Juggling motherhood, blogging, marriage and a full-time job
But going back to the office means I can establish a routine
If I’m being completely objective, I know that going to the office would be best for me in the long run. Putting it quite frankly, my job requires me to interact with other people in my team. Not doing that has been great for my productivity but has definitely limited my growth. And when it comes to discipline, I have been working longer hours than usual, but not actually learning anything new.
I do think waking up at a set time each day will allow me to get back into a proper fitness routine… well, I sure hope so! It has been eight months since I tested positive for CoVID-19 and yet I have struggled to build my fitness back to what it used to be. Most of you are probably going to say that I need to cut myself some slack because CoVID-19 is no joke. But the reason I have not been exercising is that I have been sleeping longer, blogging more, and just eating my problems away.
So how do I really feel about going back to the office?
The honest answer is that I don’t know. I knew this day would eventually come, but I had allowed myself to believe that not thinking about it would keep it distant. And what worries me most is that things will be the same, yet different at the same time. It’s weird to say but so much has changed since March 2020… and yet we are to act as though nothing has changed.
As you can tell, I have mixed emotions right now, so I will spare you the agony of reading my muddled thoughts.
How are you feeling about life returning to normal? Do you think that things will ever be the same?
If you would like to chat about your feeling offline, let’s connect on Instagram.
I worked from home between March-June before heading back to office. I LOVED the first few months of WFH – March & April were really exciting since I suddenly had so much extra time to myself. But I soon got bored and craved going to office, craved just leaving home and seeing different people. I still WFH once a week but I actually prefer going to office since it is FAR more productive for me and far lesser distractions.
I hope you’re able to adjust back in office – I know it must be hard to be away from your daughter. <3
Wow that’s interesting! I would’ve thought you’d be on team “work from home” since you write. It’s such a weird thing, but I assume all writers like to be alone lol
Glad you’re happy with your new normal!
Same as you, my thoughts are unclear and mixed on this topic. When the lockdown started I actually didn’t feel that bad about it, I was having fun because I was completely free. Then I was getting worried about the situation, I just hated the online classes and prayed for the normal days to come back. But now when my school has opened and everyone is going to job, I don’t know… I’m happy that it’s getting back to normal but a little bit sad too that my free time has passed.
Glad I’m not the only one! Hopefully we adjust quickly <3
I can certainly understand your mixed feelings. I left my classroom to work from home last march, and returned in the fall. it was certainly an adjustment to say the least
Thanks Beth, I’m glad you did eventually manage to adjust. <3
We’re still a few months away from returning to the office. Before the pandemic, I worked 3 days a week at home and that was a really good balance for me. Depending on what the return will look like, the things I liked about being in the office (casual conversations, in-person meetings, lunch with co-workers) may be limited at least initially. I suppose I’ll decide how I really feel when it happens.
I like your wait and see approach. My struggle is the change… it was a weird switch starting to work from home full-time, and now things are being shaken up again. Change is good, but I don’t like it.
Enjoy your time working from home while you still have it 😉
I know it’s NOT the same, but this reminds me of the complex mix of emotions I felt after returning to work from maternity leave. I feel like going through that at least gives me a window into understanding how complicated your feelings are. There are so many unexpected advantages to being forced to be home, and it will be hard to give those up. I think it will be an adjustment, but you WILL adjust… and probably relish some of the in-office benefits more now that you’ve been deprived of them. And hopefully, having had your eyes opened to the benefits of working at home, you’ll be able to prioritize better and maybe even find ways to bring over some of those advantages into your office life. Good luck!
Girl, it’s exactly the same! I felt this way after maternity leave and actually conisdered quitting my job because I was devastated to have to leave what became a new norm. Well, my husband wasn’t having me quit, so I went back and adjusted. You are absolutely right, we just have to adapt, so I will. It’s just nervewracking at the moment but I’m sure after a couple of weeks things will feel normal-ish again. Thanks for the love <3
I hope everything goes well for you when you return to work. It’ll feel like you’ve never been away!
Thanks hun, I’m hoping that too. Change is always hard to stomach, but I’m sure I’ll get over it.
Good luck! I understand your mixed feelings. There will be benefits as well as disadvantages. Try to focus on the positive. I hope it is a smooth transition for you. 🤞I’ll be sending happy thoughts your way.
Thanks hun, I really need all the positivity I can get! After a month or so it won’t really matter much, but for now it’s the initial emotional hurdle that I’m struggling with 🙁
I’m not sure why I didn’t know you were based in SA before even though I regularly read your content. I hope returning to the office goes smoothly for you, and dang! I hope no one mentions the 8kg. I gained 5kg and I got so tired of the comments! Busy trying to lose it back.. even took out my first gym membership this week. We’ll see how it goes. 🙂
Lol where did you think I was based? I think a lot of people think I live in Nigeria or the US even though I have never been to either of those places lol. Girl, the weight gain was inevitable. People need to mind their own business and just be glad that you’re alive!
Exactly! And the USA for some reason haha. I don’t even know why I assumed that
What’s the covid data where you are?
How many face masks do you have?
As more businesses open back from the end of March and in April, I’m hoping their will be more jobs opportunities available.
Umm… I’m not sure. I stopped tracking it when we hit 1mio cases because I caught it and kinda got over it. As for masks, we use the reusable ones but our office does give out the disposable ones upon arrival.
There will definitely be more jobs available as life goes back to normal. The global economy is expected to be at about 3-4% this year, plus the price of a barrel of oil has shot up to $68 or so… of course that’s related to the snow storms in Texas and OPEC+ production controls but I also see it as a sign of increasing demand.
I am so used to working from home, I am sure when I’ll go back to office it’ll never be same. I’ll be anxious, am I forgetting anything? I’ll need GPS because I may forgot my usual route.
Hahahah I love this! I literally had a laughing fit at your GPS comment because I said the exact same thing to my husband earlier today! 😀
I can understand you having mixed emotions, and a lot of people will after WFH from a year. I am personally very excited to go back to the office (only 2 weeks now!), and one of the reasons is the same as yours, in that it would help me with routine and having face to face interaction is better for my long term growth
Thanks for sharing Niraj 😊 I hope you’re still excited after a month 😅
I will be excited after a month dw 🙂
xoxo Shelly. I was the same when I got the call out to work. I still miss the time I had at home. Time for myself, my blog, my partner, to do projects and control my time basically. I was dreading the call but grateful as well because I needed an income.
It was a rollercoaster of emotions. The anxiety with moving among others during a pandemic, wearing those suffocating masks, worrying about strangers coughing or sneezing while commuting and trying to fit my tasks into my new work schedule felt daunting.
Despite that I am now back to my early wake up routine and loving it, I love waking up early and having that quiet time for myself. I enjoy reading during my commute or listening to a podcast. I am still figuring out how to fit my blog and other creative endeavours into my routine. Taking a break from blogging has helped to reduce some of my stress. My only suggestions is to take it easy and be graceful with yourself during this transition. It is a big deal.
I hope you find some joys in being back in the office.
Glad you settled in, hun! Routine really does benefit us in the long run, so I’m sure you’ll find a way to make your blog fit into your busy life 😅 I’m also working on that 🙈
Lol. I would love to know how that works out for you. I am very curious about others’ routines.
I know just how you feel in the anxiety department! Life is returning to normal beginning with an appointment that had me knotted up at just the thought of being out in public. I know that actually doing this is probably what I need to dispel the anxiety, but it’s still a big step for me to take.