Hey. Hey you. I see you looking back at me with uncertainty and even confusion but please relax, I just want to talk. You’ve had a rough week at work but you need to be kind to yourself. Everything you experienced was out of your control and does not reflect on you or your abilities. There are still five months for you to figure this out and make a difference. It will all work out, I promise. You’re surprised that I know about your thoughts, aren’t you? Don’t be. It will all make sense in a bit, just let me tell you what I have to say. I know this sounds strange but I’ve been watching you for a while now, years actually. I was there when you first rode your bike without training wheels and watched your mom put a plaster on that knee. I was there when you watched the first boy you had a crush on walk away with another girl, but don’t worry, he was a seven year old kid who didn’t know much about girls. You and I both know he found you nine years later and he wasn’t worth your time. I was also there when your music teacher called you a goat for not singing along with the rest of the class and made you feel embarrassed and ashamed. I definitely do think the book you were reading added more value to your life and commend you for doing what you thought was best for you.
Don’t walk away yet please, I see the sadness in your eyes. Is it just from the rough time you’ve been having at work? Is it because your personal projects are moving slowly? Yes, I know about those too… please don’t be frightened, I promise I am not a stalker. I know you. I really know you. Not just the smile you put on your face each morning to greet the people you pass on your way to your desk or the cheery voice you take on when speaking to your clients. I know the real, music loving, cake eating, pizza munching, romance indulging, gin and tonic drinking, exercise junkie that the real world doesn’t see. I know that there is a depth to your character that you mask with humour and sarcasm. Not everyone needs to know that most of the things you say are often a reflection of what you are feeling deep down inside, that secret is safe with me.
You’re getting scared … please don’t, I’ve just come to tell you that you are beautiful, you’re loveable and you are more that worthy. Not just because you got braces at fifteen, although your teeth do look flawless now. It’s definitely not because you lost fifteen kilograms over summer vacation in your first year at university. Yes I know about that too… it still worries me at times that you would starve yourself to be accepted, or that you would spend hours on end burning off more calories than you consumed just so that you could look a certain way. If it was all for that boy – and yes he is a boy despite being socially classified as a man – he was not worth your time or attention. I know you know that now, so please let go of that little voice inside you that keeps saying you need to keep pushing. You’ve found the one, and man is he the one. He loved you at your worst but helped you find this new, brilliant, caring and resilient woman that you’ve become. You know you don’t have to transform your body for him to love you any more.
I see the hurt in your eyes, please don’t look away. You’ve grown into a strong woman thanks to the trauma in your life. I know you have erased three years of you life – only a handful of people know what really happened, and I am one of them. Yes, I know… but it’s ok, your secret is safe with me. You don’t have to let anyone in because those days have passed. It’s not worth your time or energy holding on to the past, but you can’t keep running from it. Trust me when I say that this will never happen to you again because you are in control of your life now. I know you still see yourself as a child but you’re not. You’re in charge now. No one can ever force you to believe or do anything that you do not agree with. Yes, you’ve broken the cycle so your daughter will never have to go through that either.
I’m sorry, have I said too much? Don’t leave just yet. I know it’s strange that I’ve been watching you for so long, but really it’s because we are connected in several ways. I haven’t just seen the hurt. I was there when you got your first official job even though you went to the interview hungover, smelling like cigarettes and dressed in your friend’s small fitting clothes. Ahh I see that smile breaking through, was that your highest paying job so far? I’m not here for your money I promise, otherwise I would not have been there when you got your diploma, when you left Japan and started life over from scratch or when you took a leap of faith and allowed yourself to fall in love. I wish I had reached in each of these events… boy where you nervous! And despite that, you still pulled through!
My dear, I’m obsessed with you. It’s not that crazy, watch you from your window and follow you on social media kind of obsession though, I want the best for you and need you to know you are the most valuable person to me. It’s great that you care for yourself much better now. I love that you take your fitness and mental health seriously; that makes me a stronger person too . I’m proud of the way you’ve cared for people around you even when you were hurting and feeling lost; it shows character. This may be hard to hear, but you are the woman your mother would’ve raised you to be; she is smiling right now because she was there for everything too – you brought her along on the journey without even knowing it. Oh no, my love, please wipe that tear away. It’s hard to hear, but trust me, it’s a good thing. Gosh, words cannot describe even a fraction of what I feel for you. One day you’ll understand, but for now just know that you are my obsession.
Be sure to check out the other posts in the ‘Accepting Grief’ series: