Yesterday I was reminded why I struggle so much to let people in. It hasn’t always been this way, but since losing my mother, I’ve found it easier to open up to strangers online than family or friends. Is it right? Maybe not. Is it something that helps me cope? Definitely. So here I am, breaking down the walls and exposing my frustrations to people who don’t even know where I live, or what foods I like to eat.
So what happened?
While I’m not one to air my dirty laundry online, the recent situation that left my blood boiling is one I can’t quite discuss with the people I usually speak to. So naturally, here I am. Typing away and hoping to reach some closure with the black letters on this white page.
If you know me in person, I am not one to name-drop or gravitate towards anyone considered ‘big’. Even in the corporate world, I find myself doing everything to avoid meeting the big shots because those relationships never feel genuine. My theory is that if I intentionally need to make myself visible or heard to get ahead, then the effort exceeds the reward.
So when someone who was supposedly meant to be close to me (by relation) offered to help me with something, then turned back on their word calling me a gold-digger and groupie, my heart sank. Me, the person who refused financial support from her own dad after graduating university. The same person who fought tooth and nail to get to where I am in life. The girl who would rather watch Netflix or write than socialise… Apparently, I’m a gold-digging groupie.
Breaking down the walls vs holding emotions in
When I was younger, my mom was my world. She was my best friend, my confidant, and the only person who has ever truly loved me without judgement. So naturally, my heart crumbled when I lost the person who showed me true love. Since then, family members have insulted me verbally for the way I look. Friends also disappeared because I was no longer ‘happy’. It took a while to realise that no one really wanted to see what was behind the mask, or the wounded girl within. That realisation stuck with me and I shelled up.
Has it been worth it?
Arguably, if you continue to stuff something into a jar time and time again, it will eventually overflow. But what about when the cap is tightly sealed?
I would be lying if I said that an undisturbed jar would explode. However, since life in itself is turbulent, the jar is definitely going to reach a point of breaking.
But is that enough to warrant breaking down the walls?
We all need an outlet
By now you are probably as lost in my jumbled thoughts as I am – apologies.
I’ve been burnt, bruised, and broken in the past, so I’ve found new ways of keeping my jar from exploding. Writing has been my outlet since I was ten years old, and probably will be for decades to come. Writing allows me to break down the emotional walls, with no risk of having my thoughts interrupted.
Everyone needs that outlet, be it in human form or in the form of an activity. My therapist would hate me for saying this, but I personally don’t think breaking down the walls to people is ever worth it. I’ll tell you why in a second…
Trust should be earned, not gifted
I’ve found that people who choose to be in your life are more likely to stick around for the ugly. As dramatic as that sounds, it really isn’t a bad thing to test the waters before revealing your vulnerabilities. At least, that’s how I see things.
I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t give yourself (emotionally) to anyone who hasn’t proven that they won’t abuse your trust. What that looks like to each person may be differ, be it with a passion project or even your emotions. If you expose your vulnerabilities only to be have your feelings hurt in the process, that’s on you.
You all know that I don’t like share my goals or aspirations because you never really know who is truly rooting for you. And yet, that is exactly what I did this time around. I shared the emotional side of a journey I am on, was given false hope of support, and was left piecing back my fragments. Calming my anxiety.
It was on me…
What are your thoughts? Are you one for breaking down the walls or locking your feelings away?
By the way, check out my YouTube channel for some inspiring content!