Yesterday I was reminded why I struggle so much to let people in. It hasn’t always been this way, but since losing my mother, I’ve found it easier to open up to strangers online than family or friends. Is it right? Maybe not. Is it something that helps me cope? Definitely. So here I am, breaking down the walls and exposing my frustrations to people who don’t even know where I live, or what foods I like to eat.
So what happened?
While I’m not one to air my dirty laundry online, the recent situation that left my blood boiling is one I can’t quite discuss with the people I usually speak to. So naturally, here I am. Typing away and hoping to reach some closure with the black letters on this white page.
If you know me in person, I am not one to name-drop or gravitate towards anyone considered ‘big’. Even in the corporate world, I find myself doing everything to avoid meeting the big shots because those relationships never feel genuine. My theory is that if I intentionally need to make myself visible or heard to get ahead, then the effort exceeds the reward.
So when someone who was supposedly meant to be close to me (by relation) offered to help me with something, then turned back on their word calling me a gold-digger and groupie, my heart sank. Me, the person who refused financial support from her own dad after graduating university. The same person who fought tooth and nail to get to where I am in life. The girl who would rather watch Netflix or write than socialise… Apparently, I’m a gold-digging groupie.
Breaking down the walls vs holding emotions in
When I was younger, my mom was my world. She was my best friend, my confidant, and the only person who has ever truly loved me without judgement. So naturally, my heart crumbled when I lost the person who showed me true love. Since then, family members have insulted me verbally for the way I look. Friends also disappeared because I was no longer ‘happy’. It took a while to realise that no one really wanted to see what was behind the mask, or the wounded girl within. That realisation stuck with me and I shelled up.
Has it been worth it?
Arguably, if you continue to stuff something into a jar time and time again, it will eventually overflow. But what about when the cap is tightly sealed?
I would be lying if I said that an undisturbed jar would explode. However, since life in itself is turbulent, the jar is definitely going to reach a point of breaking.
But is that enough to warrant breaking down the walls?
We all need an outlet
By now you are probably as lost in my jumbled thoughts as I am – apologies.
I’ve been burnt, bruised, and broken in the past, so I’ve found new ways of keeping my jar from exploding. Writing has been my outlet since I was ten years old, and probably will be for decades to come. Writing allows me to break down the emotional walls, with no risk of having my thoughts interrupted.
Everyone needs that outlet, be it in human form or in the form of an activity. My therapist would hate me for saying this, but I personally don’t think breaking down the walls to people is ever worth it. I’ll tell you why in a second…
Trust should be earned, not gifted
I’ve found that people who choose to be in your life are more likely to stick around for the ugly. As dramatic as that sounds, it really isn’t a bad thing to test the waters before revealing your vulnerabilities. At least, that’s how I see things.
I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t give yourself (emotionally) to anyone who hasn’t proven that they won’t abuse your trust. What that looks like to each person may be differ, be it with a passion project or even your emotions. If you expose your vulnerabilities only to be have your feelings hurt in the process, that’s on you.
You all know that I don’t like share my goals or aspirations because you never really know who is truly rooting for you. And yet, that is exactly what I did this time around. I shared the emotional side of a journey I am on, was given false hope of support, and was left piecing back my fragments. Calming my anxiety.
It was on me…
What are your thoughts? Are you one for breaking down the walls or locking your feelings away?
By the way, check out my YouTube channel for some inspiring content!
Like you, I tend to keep my feelings to myself. I am open about most things but, if something is really bothering me, it’s rare for me to really open up to people.
We share more than a name, I tell you! But if you are like me, I’m sure you have your circle of trusted die-hards who keep you sane 😉
I’m one to open up more, but it has to be the right forum. There are certain trusted friends I share my innermost feelings with, and curiously on my blog. It feels safe here to me and people don’t seem to judge as much. I’m going to meet two blogger friends in person next month, and I’m excited about that.
I always wonder and worry about my fellow bloggers when I haven’t heard anything from them in a while. Happy Easter, Shelly!
Haha Pete you seem to be an extremely open book. I feel like after one coffee meet with you, I would be able to write your biography 😛
Sorry for the silence… I started a new role in my job and it is sucking the life out of me 😀
Happy belated Easter to you too!
growing up, I was very shy and quiet and the older I became the more I opened up, and after sometimes being burned, I was more careful who I opened up to. now I tend to be very open, because I truly care less about what people think of me. I try to be a good person, do the best I can, and do what I think it right, without hurting others. I am who I am, like me or not.
I love this Beth! They do say that with age comes wisdom, so it’s amazing that you’re using each passing year to your advantage. I find myself on either end of the extremes so I’m hoping that my heart catches up to my age one day!
I’m sure it will, shelly. you are so good at self-reflection
I think I’m more open up online with my blogging friends than in real life. It’s very easy to share and express happy and exciting feelings with anyone but you gotta be more careful to share your deep thoughts because you never know the person you open up to will understand your feelings or not. No one else can listen to my thoughts better than myself.
That’s an interesting one Poorwa… I actually assumed you would be a very open social butterfly with the people in your life. I can tell that you have many close friends who love and care for you.
Yes, you’re right. I’m lucky to have such good friends in my life and online friends like you with whom I can share my feelings that I don’t feel like sharing with my IRL people:)
I used to be very closed off because time and time again my emotions, thoughts, and vulnerabilities were used against me by family, coworkers, and friends. I felt betrayed so I put walls up around my heart. It took me A LONG TIME to warm up to people and feel a connection to where I felt safe enough to be vulnerable with them. But after I became sick and had a flood of people show genuine care and concern for Glenn and I, my heart softened and the walls started coming down. Some of these people were friends, some were complete strangers. But these were people who were CHOOSING to be a part of our life because they wanted too. It didn’t matter how sick I was, or how much weight I was gaining from the prednisone, or how sad Glenn felt about my conditions. What mattered (and still matters) is we gained a support network that cares about us as much as we care about them. And to me..that’s worth opening up 😀
Gosh Amy, each time you reveal more about yourself I respect you even more. You are one hell of a woman! I also think that the fact so many people choose to be in your life despite the challenges is a reflection of how awesome you are! 🙂
I am usually the one to bottle it up. The only person I really open up to is my partner. Everyone else, no. You really have to work to get me to reveal the inner working of my mind and share vulnerable moments. There are times I wish I can find a close friendship where I am free to share my thoughts. Like, you this blog is my outlet. It so much easier to reveal parts of yourself here on the big wide web than to put yourself out there to those close to you. It’s lonely sometimes though and I dream of finding a sisterhood of women that I can trust to hold space for me. Thanks for sharing.
I forgot you started a YouTube channel. Will be checking that out.
Yeah you do peg me as one to keep everything to yourself, but it’s great you have your person! Sometimes one person is really all you need. And isn’t it funny how it’s easier to share yourself with complete strangers online than in person with friends?!
PS: thanks for joining my little YouTube family 🙂
These days I’m very selective about who i open up to. If something is really bothering me i write it down and spend time basically being my own therapist lool. I agree where you say trust is earned and like yourself i too don’t always aspire to form relationships with those who are “big” be it work place or socially. Never endeavoured to get next to the “cool kids” in school. I’ve grown to despise disingenuous relationships even with family
Gosh Darren, you’re still alive! So glad to hear from you after so long – where have you been hiding? And I’m glad that you are staying true to yourself in the most important way.
Yess i am Shelly, lool! Just needed to take care of real life and other stuff i had going on. Of course! It’s the best form of self care
I’m so sorry this happened, its so hard to trust because people are so easy to betray. 🙁
Thanks Heidy 🙂 It is what it is
I’ve done both in my life… earlier in life I kept a lot of my feelings to myself (I was afraid of being wrong, being judged) but I learned that if we never express how we feel, we are never going to be close to what we actually want and deserve in life… for me, it’s all about deliver sometimes and perspective… how you perceive and deliver your communication… Sorry this happened to you.. breaking trust or friendships is hard.. in the end you have to know that you are true to yourself and that’s all you can be.
Thanks J. I’m glad you’ve found a happy medium that keeps your feelings safeguarded but also allows you to express yourself! 🙂 In my case, I got bitten and will learn from this.