I don’t usually post on Sundays, but today is not a normal day… Nothing has really changed in life and yet I am feeling more anxious and irritable. There aren’t any things going ‘wrong’ for these emotions to have arisen, but I suppose the things that aren’t going ‘right’ have gotten to me more than I realised. It’s a little selfish to be thinking like this while the world battles a pandemic, but one thing I hope to never do is belittle my feelings. You shouldn’t too!
A friend of mine has mentioned that my blog posts have gotten less ‘passionate’ and more ‘commercial’. While I don’t quite find that to be true, it did get me thinking about how my emotions are affecting my writing. You see, writing is my outlet. This and exercise are the only two things that can really help me to keep my mood stable, especially when life isn’t. What this means is that depending on the phase of life I am in, my posts will reflect that. It’s a hard balance to find, so I’m not even going to try.
Looking at the new structure that the blog has taken on, I have to admit that my willingness to gain control of my life has definitely translated into my posts. It’s not a bad thing, nothing I have written is untrue, it just isn’t as personal. My life is composed of three pillars, God, my family and my job – all three very intimate things. Given just how important each of these are to me, it is only natural that I would spend my time living my life than writing about it. It doesn’t mean that I will never write about my experiences, I love to share. But I will only share what does not negatively affect my pillars!
I want this to be a safe place where I can openly express myself – without going into too much detail of course. I want to be able to talk about my feelings and vent with no regrets, but I also want it to be a beautifully constructed baby that I grow to maturity. I love blogging, but I don’t know how to find a balance between what I want to help others with and what I need to help myself. One idea that has been playing in my mind for a while is writing a book. A very honest book that covers every single emotion linked to the main struggles that we all go through. For me, that is the loss of loved ones and self image and confidence issues that have sparked from social media and peer pressure.
I don’t talk about death after closing off the accepting grief cycle, but a lot of the emotions I felt before starting it have come back. If anything, I have been having more dreams and breakdowns now than I was three years ago. This made me realise that you don’t just get over things, you need to keep working through them actively so that the emotions are controlled. I want to write about this to help myself through it and hopefully let others who are feeling the same pain know that it is normal. I just don’t feel that can be done here.
That has also gotten me thinking that it is about time to start a separate blog that will have zero structure, no focus on SEO and quite possibly even anonymously written. There really is no need to do this online, but there is just something therapeutic about connecting with people that have similar life issues… Maybe one day I will, but for now it’s just a thought.
There isn’t really any logic to this post… I just thought I would share what’s on my mind.
What’s on your mind?