Letter to My Angel

Dear Spawn,

From the moment I held you in my arms, I felt an inexplicable urge to protect you from anyone and anything. From day one, one of the biggest things you’ve brought to my life was fear… fear of failing you. It makes me scared to think that you are no longer inside me where I can protect you, yet I know that this is the natural progression of life. It hurts to know that there will be times when you will fall and mama won’t be around to help. Trust me, if I could, I would hold your hand through everything and make sure that you know you have someone by your side.

I’m scared of setting the wrong example, but worried that in my attempt to give you what I never had, my love will become overbearing. I’m worried that you will tell me you hate me, when all I am doing is trying to make sure you don’t get hurt. It pains me to know that you will have a few other best friends, some that you’ve only known for weeks, then you will come home and tell me how your friend knows you best.

You are the love that I didn’t know I would find, yet one I never want to live without. People have asked if I love you or your dad more, and the truth is that you were and will always be a part of me and that is something no-one can replace. What I feel for you will never change, regardless of whether you make mistakes or win a Nobel prize. Growing up, my mother encouraged me to write, and after she passed, I lost my passion to express myself. It has been over a decade since I wrote anything meaningful, and yet your presence in my life has ignited a fire that I did not know existed.

Don’t get me wrong, my love, you brought more than fear. Yes, you brought perspective, hope and meaning to life. My goal is to be the best version of myself so that you can have the life and love that you deserve. Your father and I are both excited for you to see the world, and we hope to be there for every step of your journey.

Truth be told, I didn’t like children much until I had you… it’s strange to say but not only have you made me more patient, but you have opened my eyes to the blessing that children really are. I cannot even count the number of nights I sat by your bed and watched you sleep, wishing that you would wake up again so that I could just look deeply into your eyes. I’ve been that parent that checked on you several times a night to make sure you were breathing. I’ve fallen asleep on a rocking chair because I did not want to stop holding you near my heart. In fact, the list of things I have done for you does not even come close to what I’ll do for you in the future. All I can say is that mama’s got your back forever and always.

You are special, so don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Your best friend always,

Mama