“Avoid office romance, you shouldn’t poop where you eat!”
Have you heard that one-liner before?
As I write this, it is 11 pm on a school night and I have just binged on a few episodes of The Bold Type. Without giving any of the plot away, someone just ended a solid relationship to pursue a career. A young, determined and highly talented woman gave up her chance at a happy ending with a colleague, in order to protect the image her peers would have of her. All of this despite the possibility of signing a consent form and declaring the relationship to HR.
Of course, this isn’t a recap of a show. Rather, the musings of a hopeless romantic who once lived by this very rule. And yet, breaking this exact rule is the one thing that gave me what I had always dreamed of. This leads me to wonder if we may have taken this professionalism thing a step too far. Perhaps things are overplayed just a tad bit? So, having been on both sides of the line, I thought it would be interesting to dive in and share my thoughts.
How your heart can affect your reputation
As a young woman in the corporate world, I have experienced a fair share of criticism and name-calling for office romance. It’s ironic how men get a pat on the back when they score a date with a lady. But at the exact same time, there is significant criticism shown towards the lady who willingly walked into the consensual relationship. Why is it that women are harshly judged for choosing their hearts? And why does the conversation have to be about choosing love over a career? Why not both?
While I agree that “a legal document cannot protect a reputation”, I wonder just how much value we should be giving to the misconstrued standards. Yes, a career is important and mixing business with pleasure can get messy if you choose to colour out of the lines. But when push comes to shove, you will be replaced without hesitation. So is it really worth losing something substantial for a company that sees you as just a number?
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Is office romance legit?
Dating, in general, is always a gamble and I have never fancied gambling with what I cannot afford to lose. Personally, I see my career as something I spent over sixteen years studying for. All of those sleepless nights and moments of questioning my intelligence… that is time I will never get back…. and yet I took a gamble.
For those of you who don’t know, I married my colleague. We may have worked in different countries at the time, but with the sticky internal web that comes with an international organisation, he may as well have been in the same room. So today I share a happy story of how an office romance turned into something beautiful, something real.
Related: Learning to love again
What happens when it goes south?
Like every relationship, there is a potential for an office romance to fail. Just because you have signed a declaration and submitted it to HR does not mean that your relationship is set in stone. If anything, it adds on a different sense of pressure for it to succeed.
By a show of hands, how many of you have seen a relationship thrive on pressure?
When it comes to dating in the office, a failed relationship can get messy. Not only because you have to see your ex every day, but because everyone else will know too. And when it comes to mixing business with pleasure, corridor chatter will be present. If I’m being honest, I married my colleague, he left the company and life has moved on. However, I still recall the corridor chatter that was a staple in the early days. Has it impacted how I do my job? Not at all. But has it impacted how I interact with others? Absolutely!
My truth is that I am still dealing with the noise, emotionally, but it isn’t the worst thing. So as a product of a successful office romance, I think the biggest question isn’t “will it work?” rather, “would I be okay if it didn’t?”
If that’s a no for you, please don’t poop where you eat.
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Conclusion: should you steer clear of office romance?
While I cannot answer this question for you, I can only share my views based on my experience. Sometimes, it’s worth the gamble of diving in and hoping for the best. Other times, you’d be foolish to be jumping into something that isn’t promising and hoping it will work out well. So if it something promising, I would risk it every time.
In all of my years working in the corporate world, I learnt the hard way that each of us is replaceable. We are merely just numbers that are valued for as long as we produce and earn our salary. It doesn’t matter if you work at Trump Empire or are a gatekeeper to heaven, you should never have to choose between your personal life and your career. If you are given the option to declare your relationship and carry on, do it. If that isn’t an option, is it really worth being a number in the ocean?
Would you date a colleague? Why or why not?
Psst! Let’s hang on social media.
Very thought provoking indeed, Shelly! My wife and I were an office romance. So, at the same level and no issues at all. We worked in a large corporation with many married couples and office romances, often in the same area.
The issue with office romance is when it happens between an employee and an executive. This scenario is highly destructive and difficult to resolve with staff from a perception point of view. The main issue is when one of the couple throws their weight around and gets their own way on things. Now, I can assure you this does, unfortunately happen, and I have had to come in afterwards on a number of occasions and clean up the mess, as it were.
The most destructive type is when the CEO is having a relationship in the office and starts showing favouritism, promoting the other party into key roles and so on. Now this gets amplified even more if they are a married couple. In the public sector here, such activity, if reported, is brought before the Corruption and Crime Commission. I had one situation where Party A in a key role refused directives from Party B, the head of the organisation. Once they had moved on, I then had the task of rebuilding key systems, processes and relationships in that organisation.
So, in the normal scheme of things, office romance and marriages – full steam ahead. But when the couple exist in a power imbalance as it were, key people, unfortunately need to step up and have serious discussions with the couple and see what happens from there. It might be a case of true love, and if it is, then unfortunately, one of the couple has to move on.
I hope what I have said is not seen as a downer. It’s not meant to be.
Thank you so much for this perspective Sean. Definitely not a downer, and I agree with you 10000%! The power imbalance thing is definitely a problem. In my first job, my colleague was married to the general manager and we could all see the abuse of power. It’s not great for team morale or for the business, and I can completely agree that it shouldn’t be allowed if the two are essentially boss and employee. As for the bilateral romances, the biggest issue I have with them as a woman is that people WILL make assumptions about your character. They will judge your professionalism and they will assume it’s okay to gossip about your relationship. In this scenario, I think it’s best to drone out the noise and forge on.
I chose not to date anyone from work anymore after giving it a try once. After you break up with someone who’s immature or toxic, you run the risk of them spreading rumors about you at work, or turning everyone against you. I’d rather just cut them off so they can’t affect my life if it’s a bad break-up.
There is always the possibility of things getting awkward if a couple breaks up, but if I was in love, I would go for it. I think it might be different for me if it were a management/employee situation. Two of my teaching colleagues got together. They managed to keep it secret. One of them later became the superintendent which created some awkwardness as sometimes other teachers complained about the administration.
Interesting read Shelly. I think your question about whether it will be ok if things don’t work out is an important one. At the end of the day it shouldn’t be a problem unless it becomes a problem for your colleagues. When I was in university my girlfriend of 2 years and I broke up before we moved in with our friends for the final year. Spent a whole year living with her after we broke up. I certainly can’t recommend that approach. 😂 Wishing you well Shelly 🙏
Like you, I met my husband at work. Shortly after we started dating, I left for greener pastures. It wasn’t a place where either of us planned to spend our careers, anyway.
I work for a large, global company. Many people met their life partners there. We even have an affectionate name for them “Manu-mates” (the company name is Manulife). Over the years, I’ve seen some office romances work, and others end in disaster. It really comes down to the individuals and their level of maturity.
The only time I frown on an office romance is if one partner is in a position of power or influence over the other. Even if they manage to keep things fully professional – which is pretty tough to do in my opinion – perception is an issue. There will always be someone who points fingers, or spreads rumours and lies.
Although I like the thought of working with the person I love, I’m not sure if I would go forth with doing it – my pessimism would make me think of the consequences of the breakup before I even start dating the person 😭
I also think that because of the kind of person that I am, not working in the same place as my significant other would give me more clarity when working as well as cherish our moments together even more since we wouldn’t be spending the day together.
Great post! And tough question! I don’t know if I would simply bc of the points you brought up. I’m so glad it worked out for you! 🙂 I love the question of “will you be okay if it doesn’t work out instead” which is a better indicator of how you feel about the idea..
I’ve seen this not work out so great for ppl in my life so I guess I don’t have great examples of this having a positive outcome!
Hahah better safe than sorry! It can get really ugly very quickly!
I love the way you write. So relatable. I am guilty of being involved in an office romance. No regrets though, I was young and moved on from the job (and the relationship) soon after it started 🙂
Good for you! We need to give ourselves licence to meet the opposite sex and explore relationships in any of our contexts. Personal relationships leading to marriage trump any silly corporate guidelines, and are worth all the risks, even if it doesn’t end up working out. The best part of life happens when we pursue our passions and interests and careers, and look sideways every now and then to see who’s moving in the same direction. It sounds like that’s what you did. Good on you.