When it comes to real life, we all have our own versions of it. I don’t mean that we live our own lives, because that’s a given. What I’m referring to is the version that we are too afraid to voice. Either for fear of sounding insane or for fear of speaking it into existence. My other reality is my pandemic brain – my pandemic fears. And not just the unlisted symptoms of Covid-19. No, this fear is a constant in my life and has been one that I’ve carried with me for decades. It may seem as though I am using these words lightly, but my mental health has been in a pandemic state for longer than I remember. And my biggest symptom is fear.
I don’t write this to glorify what I feel, rather to highlight that these aren’t normal feelings that we should simply accept.
The biggest of my pandemic fears: losing a loved one
During the 2020 pandemic, I was afraid for my life. Not so much for me, but for my daughter and husband. My fear was that any misstep on my part would make my daughter an orphan or my husband a widower. That is something I would never wish on my worst enemy!
Above that fear, was being a childless mother, or a widow. Of course, looking back, these emotions may have been influenced by my past. However, with the lack of information we all had about the virus, my brain was given the liberty to invent its own wheel.
I did not voice this then, and I am barely admitting this now, but my biggest fear is losing my people. So much so, that I will cut people out of my life first, because losing them by chance is too painful to bear!
Fear of life returning to normal
If you have read my post on how I felt about going back to the office, you know that I had some reservations about my weight. I also had issues with leaving the comfortable habits I had formed in my new work-from-home lifestyle. But it goes much deeper than that.
The pandemic was a crutch… an excuse for our lack of growth. But it wasn’t just me, the whole world was using the same excuse to ‘cancel’ a year of missed goals. I, on the other hand, was riding that wave and hoping that it would lead me to a magical spot of self-satisfaction. A place where I would be proud of the person I had become… A place where everything suddenly made sense…
But of course, that wave hit the shore, leaving behind the debris of people like me. Those who needed to find a new direction in a world where everyone already had purpose.
Related: Things that frustrated me most about the pandemic
I was afraid to admit that I had given up
This blog, my second baby, is one of my proudest works. And yet, it is also a reminder that I had given up on corporate and was looking for something better. This pandemic birthed something that was meant to be my way out. Something that I hoped would either give me emotional reprieve or even a ticket onto a new journey.
But to you all, I never truly admitted any of it.
My whys are many, and some of them are no longer. And yet, I am still here, typing some cryptic messages that only a few will understand. So did I throw in the towel? Yes, and no. I threw in the towel on throwing in the towel. And I gave up on making my dream a reality. Talk about failing to kill one bird with two stones!
I was happy with the bare minimum
Life made the most sense when it didn’t make sense at all. Read that again if you need to, because it is true. When we were locked up, unable to go anywhere or do anything, I was finally able to be true to myself.
You see, living with depression isn’t just ocasional lows. It’s a mindset that leaves you immobile while the world whirls around you.
I found true happiness in lockdown. Being completely isolated with my two people and being forced to lay on the couch all day… Yes, I worked out. Yes, I played with my daughter. But the majority of my time was filled with idle nothingness. And it is that life I’ve always fantasized about.
Living on a desert island with my husband and kids, with the waves complementing my thoughts… I got that dream – minus the waves and the extra kid. And I was happy.
But alas, life had to go on.
You may also like: Love, sanity and silver linings in the COVID-19 pandemic
What now? Are these pandemic fears gone?
That’s a question I’m finding out more about every day. It’s interesting to see that while there is this dark side to my personality, this post-pandemic life is also bringing joy. And I have come to realize that in the strangest way, things always end up how they are meant to be. I may not have gotten rid of my pandemic fears, but I have accepted that we can’t control the future.
Related: Pandemic things you should never give up
Do you also have some pandemic fears that you’ve never said out loud?
Psst! Let’s hang on social media!
So raw and honest – I think it was an escape for a while for many people in many different ways and now it’s sort of heading back into reality. Maybe not all bad though as I think it gave us time and space to make us all rethink things in other ways and hopefully we learned something and let some things go
Thanks for you kind words Beth. You’re right, it wasn’t all bad. It’s up to us to take on each of the lessons we learnt and hold onto them.
This is so good, that you had the courage to share these! Not everyone would have done that. Loved the post. And you will get over your fears! Just never give up, keep holding on!!
Thanks so much for reading and for your kind words 💖😊
They say acknowledgement is the first step, so let’s see! 🤞🏾
Fabulous post Shelly. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to so many of these points. For me, the biggest fear was the time that I didn’t get to spend with elderly relatives. My father-in-law passed away last June and the pandemic meant I got to spend very little time with him in the final months. Similarly, I have a 95-year-old aunt who hasn’t been in the best of health and I haven’t seen her. Then, I worry about my 88 year-old Mum…
Thanks so much for reading Michelle! Gosh time flies by so quickly and before you know it we are holding on to our elderly. I hope that as the vaccine rolls out, you get to spend time with your mom and aunt. Have they been vaccinated yet?
My mum has been fully vaccinated and so has my aunt. Because I just had my second shot last week, I still have to wait a little longer before I am considered safe.
Definitely struggled with the similar fears… It was all just so hard to reconcile.. I was scared to lose loved ones for you but I think when my mental health took a downturn was when they cancelled sports… Lol I’m not a sports fanatic but I’ve never lived a life when sports, all sports, was cancelled… To me, things like sports is a representation of normal life.. An organized socializing activity for players and viewers alike… So when it was cancelled, it signaled to me that this was serious and we don’t know when normal life would return again… That was a very very sobering and scary thought… And of course with scary thoughts come all the unspeakable fears… 😬
Gosh it’s interesting to see what different people reacted to. My breaking point was the no takeout thing, which ended up being the norm in my house. I can imagine how eerie it must’ve felt to not have such simple things around… even watching soccer was weird with no one in the crowd! 😅
I was afraid of losing those I love too. I also constantly worried about unknowingly having covid and passing it to strangers anytime I ran to the grocery store. I’m glad more people are vaccinated now and hopefully, the number will continue to grow.
Aww shame. I’m glad you’re fears never materialized. But living in fear isn’t something we should just accept… life is unpredictable and we need to enjoy each moment as if it were our last. 😉
I was also afraid of losing a loved one. Specifically I worried for my parents. They’re over 60 now and my mom works at Walmart so she has a lot of chances to contact the virus.
Oh gosh your mom must be a tyrant to have coasted through that pandemic despite being at the forefront. I guess it means you can stop worrying so much about her, because 60 is still young 😉
But I get you. My dad is 63 and I was so scared every time he went anywhere.
She’s had to have so many Covid tests due to exposures in her store, but she never got it. I’m pretty glad for that 🙂
I don’t consider myself to be overly introverted or extroverted, but I simply missed being around people. Fortunately, my wife and I get along well but we’ve always had separate lives and interests too. I worried about her as someone who likes being around her friends a lot. I wasn’t worried about her physical health as much as her emotional health—mine too. I’m used to grabbing a beer with a buddy, hugging my friends, and going to sporting events. Now I can’t do any of that? I talked t some introverts who said, “Yeah, my life hasn’t changed that much.” While I don’t fault them for their feelings, I couldn’t relate at all. I don’t think I took any of that for granted, but I’m truly appreciating life’s simple pleasures again. Grabbing coffee and shooting the bull with a friend is important to me because it means a return to normality.
Related to what Pete said.. I wouldn’t consider myself an introvert either.. I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle but also depending on who I’m around but what I did actually enjoy was not having to come up with excuses anymore if I didn’t want to go somewhere or do something (I used to feel guilty a lot).. So now my excuse (well everyone’s is).. Covid precautions 🤪😬🤷♀️
Ah, guilt. Something I’m quite familiar with. It’s nuts how many times we lump this on ourselves, as if we didn’t have enough to worry about already.
Hahahah that’s my favourite excuse! It used to be baby before, now it’s this… what’s next?
I will go back to “baby” Lol
Interesting perspective as always Pete… our mental health has definitely been tried throughout this period, and the extroverts must’ve felt terrible! How did you wife cope in the end? It’s great that you guys are finally out of the woods so you can at least enjoy normalcy! I’ll enjoy the restrictions a bit longer 😅
She got busy with some of the other things she likes to do on her own, scrapbooking and gardening. I think I generally coped better than her because I have so many things that keep me busy. She is much more like her normal self these days, which I’m happy to see. We’ve already had two trips under our belts since being fully vaccinated. One to see our son, which was good for both of us.
Thank you for sharing your fears, it can be hard to keep things bottled up for so long. I hope that in sharing you have been able to release the feelings some what. It was great to read and feel part of this experience with you. I’m sure fear is something many are learning to deal with.
This is the most honest post I read today !!! Like I relate to this the most!!!
Loosing a loved one is so horrific even thinking about it is enough to raise my anxiety!!! The pandemic has increased it to several folds
Such a vulnerable and wonderful post Shelly. The thought of losing a loved ones brings chills to my bone and anxiety to my heart. The pandemic for me was a time to explore new things and spend time with my partner and family. I will definitely miss spending time at home working on my blog and doing my own thing while at home. Even though I am grateful to be working, I miss creating in my own space and doing my own thing. Fear is such a powerful emotion isn’t it. One of my fears is dying without exploring my greatest potential and building a community, a legacy of connection, inspiration and hope. Lofty goals I guess but something I hope to achieve one day.
Losing loved ones is a big thing I battle, even pre-pandemic. I understand battling that fear and it’s not easy.
With the pandemic, I was concerned about what would happen to my family and how disrupted their lives would be if I got sick from COVID.
Oh gosh yeah, it must’ve been so different for you with the heart thing. I’m so glad you’ve made it through unscathed and hope that this final phase passes with no stress. Where we are, we’re having the worst wave and the majority have not gotten vaccinated yet 🤦🏾♀️
Oh no! Will you guys have to go into another lockdown? I’ll be praying for you guys.
Having a heart condition weighed heavily, but then it would start an endless cycle of imagining that basically went from me to if my kids got it to my husband. It was a bad cycle that I had to distract myself from when it popped in my head. A lot of praying and taking extra precautions even now.
Man, all your fears are valid. This pandemic has been scary. I also fear getting it and experiencing long term side effects such as irreversible lung disease and clots, and also, I fear bringing home the virus on my clothes and shoes to my loved ones. Hopefully we’re at the end of the road. Stay safe!
Thanks for sharing Rochelle. And yeah, I really hope this thing comes to an end soon! Has life gone back to normal in Jamaica?
No it hasn’t but it inches closer to normal each day. Last week they resumed permitting the hosting of parties, but they have to be finished by midnight. And of course, masks are still necessary.
you are really brave to accept you fears and even write about them! The whole world was covered in a layer of fears, and it’s impossible to fight all of them,,what we should do is try to stay as positive as possible and hope for the best. that’s the best weapon against fears and doubts! great post♥️
Great post and I also share the same fear that was so strong of you to share this. God please put your healing hand on word and cure this situation. Please give my blog a visit in free time 😊