Love is a very beautiful thing that most people yearn for, but aren’t ready to accept. Trust me, I know this very well. Before I became this awesome wife and loving mother – and yes, I do say so myself – I was a train-wreck! As a millennial that is just about to cross over into the thirties, I have quite a few stories to tell. It is a bit too embarrassing to air out my dirty laundry, so I will save you the drama. For now, I will just share the relationship advice that had been hammered into my head. But don’t be fooled, just because it was hammered there, it doesn’t mean it stuck in place. It was like hammering a TV stand into place then expecting it to hold a 500-kilogram elephant. I processed the information, let it simmer, then turned around and walked the other way.
If you are currently in a relationship and keep ignoring everyone’s sound advice, don’t be that person. I’ve made silly mistakes so that you don’t have to.
This is some of the best relationship advice I had been told but didn’t really stick with until I met my husband.
Just be yourself from the start
Have you heard the song ‘Cater to you‘ by Destiny’s Child? You know, the one that goes:
Let me help you
Take off your shoes
Untie your shoe strings
Take off your cufflinks (Yeah)
What you wanna eat, boo? (Yeah)
Let me feed you
Let me run your bathwater
Whatever you desire, I’ll supply ya
Destiny’s Child – Cater to you
Well, this girl over here basically took it as the gospel and tried to play the good wife to immature boys. And what do you think was the result of playing wife to a boy? Well, I became his mama. Yep. Ladies, if he hasn’t put a ring on it, you should not pretend like there is one there. And if you still choose to do that for someone who isn’t serious about you, chances are he will go and have his fun then come to you for some TLC. It is a tough job being a player after all!
The other scary thing about setting expectations so high from the get-go is that you actually need to live them up. If I’m being honest, I was not ever going to live up to the ’20s housewife standards even if I was paid to do it. No thank you, sir!
Don’t let the relationship consume you
When you meet your significant other, you will need to adapt certain aspects of your life to factor in the relationship. One thing that I had been warned but refused to listen to was that the person you end up with should complement your life, not take away from it. Do you have that one friend who is just amazing to be around when they are single? But the minute they get into a relationship, it feels as though they’ve left the universe. Yeah… Don’t smack me, that used to be me.
Of course, relationships are an investment and do require a significant amount of commitment. But if you find that you have to change every single aspect of your life for the new-found love, then something is wrong.
Don’t ignore red flags
I will be daring and claim that nine out of ten of you have ignored red flags in a relationship before. If you’re still in that mindset, you need to get out of it ASAP! In my view, dating someone is not just meant to be a time filler. It is something that may eventually turn into marriage or a life-long partnership. Of course, not every relationship will end that way. But it is up to us to decide just how much nonsense we will allow before we head to the door.
When I was younger (and dumber), I forgave a cheater and questioned myself. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but when someone constantly shows you who they are, you better believe them. I forgave the same person not once, but many times. Looking back, it was a bit ridiculous, but that’s what I got for ignoring the red flags.
A relationship isn’t ping-pong
Yeah, I’m not quite sure where I was going with that heading, but I’m sure we’ll get there anyway. So here’s the thing, a relationship should definitely be a two-way street. We can all agree on that. But it is absolutely important not to fall into ‘tit for tat’ habits. I’ve given my fair share of silent treatment as a response to being ignored, and it did not end well. It should be common sense that if you are with someone that makes you resort to childish antics, the relationship probably isn’t doing much for your growth. By the same token, you are not adding value to your person’s life by acting like a two-year-old.
I also learned the hard way that you cannot just do nice things when you receive them first. Of course, I am a firm believer in not playing the wife/husband role before tying the knot, but that doesn’t mean you need to be stingy with your kindness. A relationship should bring out the best qualities in you. If it does just the opposite, you probably need to rethink the whole thing.
I have so many friends and people I know that consistently let their relationships consume them. It’s really so sad to see. They forget about their friends and family and the that are important to them and invest their time in their relationship only.
I have lost so many friends because of this and some have never recovered. You need to remember that you still need other relationships in order to keep going. You can’t expect your partner to be everything you need rolled up into one!
Such a good post Shelly. Keep up the good work 👍🏻💛
Olivia | https://olivialucieblake.com
Eeeek! I wish I had met you sooner in life because you clearly know better than I ever did 😀 thanks for reading <3
Wow. This is such a wise post Shelly. “if he hasn’t put a ring on it, you should not pretend like there is one there.” Love that. I am always saddened by the stories my daughter tells me about her friends and co-workers and what they put up with in their “relationships”. These kids are teenagers and the girls let these guys walk all over them and treat them like crap. I am proud that both my girls are stubborn and headstrong. (Hmmm…wonder where they get that from 😂) My younger daughter, in particular, doesn’t put up with any crap from anyone. I hope she stays that way.
Thanks Michelle! Your daughters sound like they were raised by some very level-headed parents! I’m sure your youngest will stay that way… it’s all about the values you’ve taught her that are clearly present!
Such an important post
And to know some advice might not fit your situation,
Sadly I am not in a relationship right now, to have any other information to share
I see so many people who can’t maintain a long-term relationship if their lives depended on it. They seem to have a new squeeze every month or so…. seriously, what’s up with that? My theory is shiny object syndrome…. they chase boys/girls, act desperate, get the shiny object (partner). But then the relationship gets “too real” or too boring and life happens. The honeymoon phase does down. Before you know it, they’re single again 🙄
I’ve tried hook-ups in the past but that phase was very short-lived. I quickly learned not to tolerate it and to set my expectations a little higher. I completely agree that he needs to put a ring on it, especially if he plans to have kids. Boyfriends and girlfriends having kids out of wedlock makes me face-palm 🤦♀️ Even if marriage means signing the papers and getting married in a courthouse, it’s still a lot better than not being married at all. Marriage and kids take work, and I feel like people are afraid of being responsible for someone other than themselves. I also think that they fear long-term commitment.
You sound like you got mature very early on! I also don’t think it’t too wise to have kids without being married because raising kids is such a serious committment that should not be taken on by people who aren’t truly committed to doing life together. But things happen.
I was a late bloomer. Didn’t date until I was 21, but when I did there was no stopping me 😂 Things do happen, but I still think marriage is the right thing to do. I was pregnant on my wedding day and honestly I have no regrets. Prior to that, I had a miscarriage. We were engaged and had planned to get married. Despite all that, I’ve been with him for 8 years and married for 4.5 years!
Relationships are a big commitment. I can tell when someone isn’t committed – they likely have unsolved personal issues and baggage from their past. And with every relationship, we bring more and more baggage into the next relationship. It also makes it easier to settle and harder to spot good partners when people can’t see the forest for the trees, or have given the trees a chance to grow.
Such great advice! I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum where I end relationships too soon rather than trying too hard to keep the guy happy. As soon as I’m not happy, I end it, without even trying to fix what may be wrong. It’s something I need to work on 😅
Ang |https://loseweightwithang.com
Wow that’s very mature of you! You are literally goals!
😅 I don’t know about that. I’m probably gonna be single forever!
Don’t manifest it 😉
This is great advice, Shelly. Unfortunately, most of us hear things and let it go in one ear and out of the other, until it’s too late. I hope someone takes heed to your message. It’s very valuable information here!
Hehehe yeah… I think it’s pride 😀
Right!☺️
NEVER EVER IGNORE RED FLAGS!! I did that so much in my first few relationships and it was always a mistake because the red flags always turned into bigger issues. If you feel like something is wrong it probably is.
Yes ma’am! That’s def how it goes~ sadly, it’s only after getting out that people realise how bad things were
Yeah sometimes we need to stay away from the person for a while to realise their behaviour is not okay.
‘It should be common sense that if you are with someone that makes you resort to childish antics, the relationship probably isn’t doing much for your growth. By the same token, you are not adding value to your person’s life by acting like a two-year-old.’
I love this.
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https://thatimperfectlady.wordpress.com/2021/02/14/love-marriage/
Wow your blogs have helped me before and they are helping me now. Thank you.