Growing up, there were so many emotions that marked different stages of my life. I remember happier days when my mother used to take my sister and me for ice cream and pizza. I also remember the pride I felt at the swimming galas when my mother would be cheering the loudest as I took first place. Those days did eventually come to an end when she fell ill. It may sound strange to some, but my happy memories from my childhood only go until I turned thirteen. What followed was a mix of depression, anxiety, and insecurity.
If you have read my ‘Accepting Grief‘ series, you know of some of my emotional struggles. But one thing I have never really spoken about is just how much of an impact anxiety has on me.
After such an interesting year, I am certain that many more people have experienced similar emotions as I did growing up. So for the purpose of bringing awareness and the comfort that you are not alone, I have chosen to share my personal battle with anxiety.

Anxiety induced panic attacks
The very first time I experienced a panic attack, or at least what I now know now to be one, was when my mother was in the hospital. During that period, I would use my lunch breaks at school to power-walk over to the hospital where mama was kept. What scared me was the difficulty breathing I experienced upon arrival. Of course, walking fast can make you lose your breath but this was different. It felt more like a tightness in my chest, accompanied by wheezing.
What also stood out was that the inexplicable fear I felt as though I had a gun pointed at my head. It was such a tough experience that the nurses had to give me something to help with my breathing. Nothing made sense back then, but it was something that only worsened with time.
How anxiety affected my body…
When anxiety builds up, your body is pumped with cortisol. In short bursts, you get that adrenaline rush that can give you the boost to run just a little faster or carry something a little heavier. When the release of cortisol is prolonged, it starts to have a toll on your body.
Around the time that my mother was in the hospital, I got the very first taste of irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and just how debilitating it could be. Annoyingly, my body also started to break out in hives and left scars that are visible to this day. So not only was I struggling to breathe, I could not stomach anything without feeling serious pain and I scratched uncomfortable wounds all over my body!
… and my appetite
My appetite has been always been erratic depending on the emotions I feel. Back when I was a teen, before my mom passed on, I would rarely eat anything. It was more so to do with the fact that she wasn’t working and money was scarce than anything else. At that time, since my mother was in the hospital, my godparents took me in. During the time I lived with them, I would save any snacks that were meant for me and took them to my mom during my daily hospital visits. And when we were at home, I would eat more than necessary to compensate.
Since then, whenever I feel the anxiety build-up, my first instinct is to turn to food. Strangely enough, my brain is hard-wired to believe that food and stress have to go hand in hand. It may be because eating something gives my body something else to focus on. And it did. The panic attacks are not nearly as hectic. The only issue now is the consequence of stress-eating. But again, as a teen, I assumed that I could cheat the system and still have my food without necessarily eating it. If you’re keen to know how that went, you can read about the birth of my eating disorder.
The correlation between anxiety and sleep
With anxiety comes the fear of both the known and the unknown. This can look different when presented to different people, but for me, it came as a difficulty falling and staying asleep. Falling asleep was hard in itself because of all the thoughts that ran through my mind. But the hardest part was continuing the nightmare in the dreams that followed.
Before my mother fell ill, I would dream of her dying. After she passed away, I would dream of her suffering the last few weeks of her life. This is something that only went away decades later, with the assistance of a psychologist. But sometimes does resurface. It was brutal and I don’t think I will ever fully get over it.
Conclusion
Although the term is used very loosely, there are many people that suffer from anxiety and its side effects. Just like everything else, there isn’t a “one size fits all” template that will show what to look out for. Anxiety can be debilitating, so showing compassion to anyone who is going through dark times can go miles in helping them overcome it.
Have you ever experienced similar reactions to anxiety? What helped you through it?

Such a vulnerable post. Thanks for sharing. I’ve been struggling with anxiety since childhood and it feels good to read about others’ experiences.
And thanks for reading Toma! I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing anxiety as well, and I hope things are a lot easier to cope with now that you’re older!
Its so nice that you’ve opened up about your struggles with anxiety. I’ve been suffering from anxiety over the past 3 years, so can only imagine how scary it must have been as a teenager. I’m so sorry that you had to experience such a loss at that young an age. I can relate with you about turning to eating to curb stress and anxiety, I’ve been a binge eater all my life. The first time I experienced a panic attack – I thought I was going to pass out. I’m glad that I’ve managed to work on my anxiety over the past few months – I’ve made lifestyle changes to eradicate the root causes. I’m glad you are doing better too! <3 I hope this post is helpful for all young people suffering from anxiety and unsure how to deal with it. 🙂
My dear friend thank you for being so candid and vulnerable in sharing your story. I feel like I got to know you on a deeper level. You are so strong, courageous, and beautiful inside and out! I have found that by opening up it helps us to heal, brings awareness to our condition, and allows others to support and help us. It’s truly a pleasure knowing you and I am blessed to call you my friend 😊💕
P.S. I intended this to be 100% heartfelt without funny business 🤗
I’m so glad you have and continue to work through it. your description of it helps us to understand a little bit of what it must feel like, I have someone in my family who suffers with this and I am always looking to understand. how it feels and how to help
Thanks for reading and sharing some love Beth 💖 always appreciated!
Thank you for sharing your story, it’s a beautiful post ❤
Thanks for reading! I’m looking forward to some more of your hilarious dating posts! 😉
Thanks for sharing your story, Shelly. I don’t suffer from anxiety but both of my daughters do. The panic attacks are the worst. As a mom, I didn’t know what to do or how to help. Maybe that’s an idea for another post for you! I think it would help a lot of people.
Oh no 💔 being a mom myself I know just how horrible it is to watch your little ones suffer and not be able to do anything! Well, since they are awesome young ladies now, you’re definitely doing something right 😉
And thanks for the idea~ it just might become a post 💖
Wow. I’m sorry you experience that. I’ve always wondered about it but never felt right to ask. Thank you for sharing this piece of you with us.
Thanks for reading hun 💖
Thank you for sharing this post with us
And thank you for reading 💖
Anxiety, in so many forms and levels of severity, seems to be so pervasive. I have certainly struggled with it. Your experience sounds so rough, and I’m so sorry you have had such a battle with anxiety. It’s wonderful to talk about it so openly.
It wasn’t always this easy to talk about but it sure feels good to have reached this point. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this horrible thing 💔 but if you’re still here today it means you’re kicking it’s butt!
This is great✨✨Anxiety has started to give me physical symptoms and it’s nice to see someone speaking about it so openly.
Good on you🙌🏽🙌🏽🧡🧡 xx
Oh no! That’s not good. Do work on it now before it becomes a mountain. I’m here if you wanna chat 💖 Thanks for reading Sharin
Thank you Shelly for sharing your experience with anxiety and speaking in a way that anyone can understand. I have also suffered from anxiety since a young age and know how debilitating the side effects can be. IBS was a knew one that cropped up a few years ago. Don’t think other people realise it’s not just panic attacks and feeling panicked about everything so I hope lots of people read this and realise that xxxx
Gosh Imi, I really wish no one could relate to this. It’s really not fun at all! Wishing you all the best~ I know we’ve talked about your struggles here and there, but I really do hope this year reduces your anxiety!
Thank you so much for sharing your story Shelly. Your honesty and vulnerability here is really brave. This made me understand how anxiety affects different individuals, even better. I’m glad you’re doing better❤️
Thanks for reading and for your kind words Yinda 💖 I really appreciate it!
My pleasure 😊
It’s crazy to me that some people still write off anxiety as just “feeling a bit anxious” when it is so genuinely debilitating and has SUCH a massive physical toll. It’s very brave of you to share your personal experience xx
Thanks for reading and for your kind words 😊 I guess it’s hard to understand when you’ve never experienced it!
Thank you for sharing this. Anxiety is hard to deal with at any age, but sometimes I think it’s worse when it happens and you just don’t know what’s going on. For me, I cannot eat at all. For the duration of the anxiety attacks (often days) I will barely eat anything and what I do eat, I have to force it down.
This was so hard to read because it was so incredibly relatable. I have been suffering from anxiety since I was a teenager and for a while it really consumed my life. Unfortunately, unlike physical illnesses anxiety is not something that can be fully cured but rather we just learn to live with it and adapt. I am the opposite when it comes to food- I can’t wat if I’m anxious or stressed out.
Oh gosh Pooja, I’m sorry that you’re going through something so difficult to deal with! You’re right, it’s something we ultimately learn to adapt to but it’s still not fun. You know, that makes us stronger though! 😉
It definitely does make us stronger and in my opinion it gives us certain advantages people without anxiety don’t have
Thanks for the vulnerability and an informative read. Well done for sharing.
Thank you so much for sharing. Anxiety can be quite hard to deal with and as you said, it’s different for everyone. I’m sorry you had to go through so much in your teenage years. It’s very kind of you to write and provide everyone else with a platform where they can share their stories freely.
Gosh hun, thanks for your kind words! You always do know what to say to make things better 😊
My pleasure!🤗
First things first, wow your page is beautiful and a great pleasure to look at. Thank you so much for sharing this experience, it take a lot to share one’s story. I am so sorry for what you experienced. I hope you are doing better now. You mentioned that you still feel anxious sometimes. I think that a psychologist was a great choice. Another great choice is to join online communities where people with anxiety convene, that way you can read about how they cope, and for those who have recovered, you would hear about how they recovered. Last but most importantly, it is important to take this to God in prayer. Tell God what you are dealing with and bare your mind to him. He is a friend, a father, a healer, and everything great. God is the King of kings and the Lord of lords. He who gave up the life of his son for us will not withhold anything from us, he already gave us the greatest gift, which is his son. Pray to God for healing. Are you ready for God? He is ready for you, take a look:
God says in Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.
God says in Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”.
If you or anyone interested wants more information on how to connect with God, I have a post on it here:
https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/
You can check out the blog post above. If the information is too overwhelming for you, then you can start slow and work your way up gradually. If you want to stay updated and you want more posts from me, you can follow my blog. I post about God, faith and Christian Spirituality. If you ever need to talk, then send me a message on the “Contact” section of my page.
May God’s healing power be with you, Amen. 🙂
Thanks for sharing such a vulnerable post on the realties of living with anxiety. When I start to feel anxious or I feel a panic attack coming on I put on my favorite music, curl up my dog, and journal. Something about getting it out of my head and writing down helps a ton.
I have also been dealing with anxiety. I was diagnosed with Anxiety disorder last year when I had a panic attack in school. Although, talking about it and learning about other people’s experiences makes you feel a little safe if that makes sense. Thanks for sharing this
As someone who suffers from Anxiety too, I relate so much to you. Talking and writing about it can really help, and it is so important!
Paperweirdo
Just stumbled across your blog – thank you for being so raw and vulnerable. As someone who doesn’t suffer from anxiety, this was really helpful to me. I want to be a support system to my friends and family in a way that’s helpful and I feel like I understand anxiety just a little bit better after reading this!
Thanks so much for reading hun 💖 Your people are definitely lucky to have you!
And welcome to GWS 😉
This is amazing. And you’re right, everyone faces it in a different way. When I was younger I definitely masked it all by intoxicating myself with whatever I could find. Thanks for opening up, I think its time that everyone in the public realm start talking about it as openly as you in order to understand it more.
Anxiety can make a mess of your brain!
Opening up like you have is the hardest and best thing you’ll probably ever have to do and now you have done it. Well done, I’m proud of you. I know how hard it can be. I bet if feels like a huge weight is lifted? At times anyway…because it’s easy to slip back into the shit… try and stay really positive, you are helping others more than you’ll ever know. We need you as much as you need us.
For me I try to firstly remove the ‘anxiety’ badge/label… that’s a good start.. for me it’s fear. It’s isolation. It’s self loathing. It’s failure at times (well in my head)…that makes it impossible to step out of it when we’re expected to / want to. Breath. Accept. Chances are we are over egging it / catastrophising / actually being a little selfish…
I hear it a lot these days – just be….
Don’t worry. No one else is. Be yourself. That’s probably more than fine. X
Thanks for your kind words 💖 it does feel nice to not have to carry that burden around with me, but at the same time, it is still a personal battle. I love your approach to it, it’s so mature and actually helps solve the problem not just acknowledge that it’s there! Knowing that you are feeling anxious because you are scared is so much more helpful than just accepting it as anxiety.