Have you ever wondered what severe depression feels like?
Growing up, I lived in a constant state of depression, but it felt normal. I was used to hating myself, hating those around me, and hating being alive on this earth. What I didn’t realise was that I wasn’t really alive. I was merely existing in a state of survival. Losing my mother at fourteen was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me. In fact, it robbed my childhood and tainted my view of the world. If you have been following my blog for a while, then you will know that this is something that never fully went away.
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What is depression?
When I hear people say that they are depressed, what I always wonder is if they are actually depressed of just feeling sad. And yes, there is a difference. Feeling sad is normal, we can’t always be happy. Feeling sad is not equivalent to being depressed, but can be a symptom of depression.
According to the American Psychiatric Association, “depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.”
The way I see it, and as explained in this article, one of the main distinguishing factors of whether or not something can be classified as depression is the duration of the feeling and how it impacts your daily life. Another factor is the chemistry behind it. Someone with depression generally has an imbalance of chemicals in their brain that can only be treated with medication. Now with that in mind, I will let you in on how I felt for over a decade of my life.
Depression feels like a death sentence
I always strive to keep things as real as I can on my blog while putting a positive spin on my posts. But there is no way to speak about what depression feels like without exposing the bad. Something I have admitted to maybe a handful of people is that I had tried to end my life a few times. There were days when I thought that I was heading to that destination so why not speed up the process.
Being alive felt painful, sleeping was impossible, life was lonely… In sum, there really was no reason why I needed to be alive. In my mind, the world would’ve been a better place if I wasn’t consuming oxygen that would’ve been better spent by someone else.
It is hard to complete daily tasks
Since seeking medical help and changing my lifestyle, I have definitely come a long way. I don’t think my journey is complete, but I’ve come the point of being able to freely talk about my mental health. If you’re wondering how this happened, it’s simple – therapy and medication.
Before seeking help, simple things like taking showers or even getting out of bed were too mundane. I recall throwing myself into fitness to give myself purpose. Of course, the dumbbells didn’t care if I showed up or not, so that didn’t quite end well.
Nowadays, I still have days when I just want to lie in bed and not do anything. I have skipped a shower or two, forgotten if I have eaten and even ignored my family and friends. Strangely enough, if I am exhausted during such a period, I often find it difficult to sleep. And if I do, I find it difficult to distinguish between dreams and reality.
No one can pull you out of that state
When I was at my lowest, there was nothing that would pull me from the pit. It didn’t matter who tried, or what they said, I wasn’t going to budge.
As much as being depressed feels horrible, it is so easy to find comfort in the black hole. At least, that’s how it was in my case. When I got small moments of joy, I found myself immediately pulling myself back to the dungeon. My logic – if we can call it that – was that happiness wasn’t meant for me. If anything or anyone brought joy, they would be ripped away leaving me in pain. So the solution was not to let any happiness in. It sounds crazy just thinking about it, but that was by far the easiest solution.
There will always be a comfort item
Strangely enough, every person has that thing that they turn to for comfort. For me, it was is food. When I struggled to process my emotions, I would eat. When I felt overwhelmed, I would eat. If I felt lonely, I would eat. As expected, that viscious cycle birthed what I hadn’t realised to be an eating disorder.
Even though I have come quite far on my journey, I do still use food as a crutch. Although I no longer purge, I find that binge eating is something that comes as second nature to me. Luckily, my husband is very supportive and knows how to look out for my triggers.
Related: How to tell if your friend has an eating disorder
What depression feels like may differ from person to person
One thing that I have learnt in my nearly three decades alive, is that no two people will have shared experiences. We are all unique, our life experiences are different and therefore our reactions will be different. That being said, no one is better placed than you when it comes to identifying just how bad your situation is. If you suspect that you may be depressed, please do reach out to someone immediately.
Also, please remember that depression is fairly common and nothing to be ashamed of. One in fifteen adults experiences depression each year. One in six adults will experience it at some point in their life. The important thing is to get help before it destroys you.
If you are comfortable sharing your experience, have you ever been depressed? Tell us in the comment section what depression feels like to you.
Just like any mental illness and as you said, no two cases are the same. Before the pandemic, if you would have asked me if I had ever experienced depression I would have said no. Only during this pandemic have I felt spouts of depression, but nothing like you described. Again, proving that no two cases are the same. Theres a scale to everything.
I for one and so glad you chose to not take your life. I would never have been able to meet you and you would never have got to live the life you’re living. Speaking out about things like this helps to make others feel more normal in what they’re going through. So thank you for that!
Olivia | https://olivialucieblake.com
Thanks for sharing and for all the love! It’s really important that we spread awareness even if it’s just to a few hundred readers because you never know who needs to hear it! You’re right about there being a scale to everything but everyone handles emotions differently. Even the mildest case can be serious depending on who is experiencing it~ so we’ve just gotta keep showing love 💖
I’m so glad u wrote this article! Very truly said there’s difference between being sad and depressed and being sad is nrml nobody is always happy!
Sometimes people take depression so lightly..rather they don’t wanna consider it to b a disease and the sufferers suffer in silence..
You are really strong @Shelly DS! you dealt with depression at such a tender age and now you’re flying in your big sky!! More power to you 💪!
With love,
Ahiri♥️ (AhiriCreates.Wordpress.com)
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it helps people to hear that others have been there and came out the other side.
Thanks Michelle. Gotta spread awareness!
Thank you so much for writing this! I’ve had depression for 10 years now and I’m 23. I lost my dad last year at 22 and my depression reached its peak. It’s a pain I don’t think I’ll ever get over but I relate to so much you have written here. This will help so many others. Bless you ♡
Naimah • http://www.naimahmckie.wordpress.com
Oh Gosh Naimah, I’m really sorry that you’ve had to experience such a loss… it’s never easy regardless of age. Hope you’re doing better since losing your dad. One day at a time 💖
Inbox me if you want to chat offline 😘
I’ve spent my life with depression, too. You’re right, sometimes it feels like nothing can make you feel better and there’s no way out. It’s hard to get the motivation to dig yourself out of the hole you’re in. I’m glad your opening up about this, and I’m sure a lot of your readers can relate. I hope you’re doing well Shelly!
Ang / https://loseweightwithang.com
Thanks for sharing, Ang. It’s so good to see everyone speaking openly about it because that’s something I didn’t see when I was going through the worst. Hopefully we can all make a change – even if it’s a small one.
Great Post Shelly!For me depression means the lack of interest in life
Thanks for sharing your story it helps other people to hear that other people have been there and it’s not just only one person
Maya
http://www.mayaslifeandtravels.Wordpress.com
Thanks for reading Maya
Lovely post!! What resonated with me the most is that no one will truly have the same experience. Therefore we should not diminish someone else’s experience or the way they feel. What they feel is very valid and we should acknowledge it, whether it be anger, happiness, or depression.
Thanks Helen, I really appreciate your constant support 💖
Thank you sooo much for sharing your story Shelly. Feeling depressed has honestly always been a familiar emotion of mine and it got worst during the pandemic, I can’t compare mine and yours and I’m honestly so thankful that you had the strength and courage to write this❤️
Thank Mimie 💖 the thing is, we shouldn’t ever have to compare. Your pain is valid, regardless of how big or small it seems in comparison to others’. I really hope you are doing better 💖
You have explained depression so eloquently and I believe your honest will help so many people find the courage to be open with other about their own mental illness. You have shown so much strength in navigating how to look after and manage your depression xxx
Thanks Imi. I have been inspired by you 💖
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Thanks for sharing your story and helping others.
And thank you for reading 💖
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I just love your vulnerability
Thank you so much for this. I think we should encourage our fellow brothers and sister to open up. Depression is real, we need to support each other emotionally
Thanks for your kind words hun 💖
This is so amazing of you to share. I totally relate, depression feels like a death sentance. It feels like you are going to be trapped forever.
Thanks for sharing Caroline. I really hope you aren’t feeling depressed now 💖
My story is similar to yours. Except I lost my mother at 20 and after a very enlightening conversation with my sister, I learned that I was like this “practically from birth lol”. I grew up thinking I was “normal” but knew I was different. Thank you for sharing your story. It helped me feel less alone.
wonderful post ! depression for me feels like just wanting to shut yourself away from the world and cry for a while in a hidden space.
Thanks for sharing Poorvi 💖
Such a great post!! I hope your doing wells
Thanks hun, I’m doing well. <3
Hi Michelle. Thank you for sharing your heart by explaining how depression affects you. It’s lovely that sufferers have such a great platform like WordPress in which to express their feelings and share their personal stories. I wish you all the best with your journey to recovery. What are some things that have helped ease your depression?
I’ve had depression for 5 years now it feels like normal life at this point but thank you for sharing your story and being able to see light at the end of the tunnel. Depression only makes us stronger
Thank you for sharing, and your explanation on this. I’m trying so hard to understand. I am worried sick about my children and think maybe they are dealing with depression. I can’t believe how close I came to losing at least one of them. I have some hope that they will get help, but I can’t make them now that they are adults. I feel so helpless.
I’m really sorry you have to go through this… my daughter is only 2 and it hurts me to see her sad. I can only imagine how hard it must be to watch grown kids struggling with mental health! Do you think it’s to do with the pandemic? Or is this something that had been persistent? Have you recommended therapy?